on my heart

 I've been thinking about homeschooling our oldest ever since his first week of starting kindergarten. Something just didn't "feel" right. But I was intimidated. I purposefully did not go into teaching, started to, got overwhelmed thinking about being responsible for creating 'lesson plans' and changed majors.

Sometime during the fall shortly after he started school I heard about a hybrid program that was 2 days school (but like a charter type, not public curriculum) and then 3 days homeschooling where you finish up the check-off list of the week's schooling. I've talked at length to the administrator, interviewed 2 moms who go there, toured the school, prayed, and step by step we have come to the decision to apply. It feels really good, the coming to a decision after months of prayer, thought, and research. So I hope soon we will know the outcome. In the meantime, I have really been loving the school more and more where he is. It's never really been a problem with the school, except for it being expensive, it's always been about wanting more time with him and to foster an environment of trust, care, love, and learning. 

One of the moms that I talked to told me about a homeschooling mom she follows on Instagram and I have started following her too. I've already got so many good tips and things I just agree on. Toy recommendations, book recommendations, started the online piano academy her son went to. And the other day she posted these:

This is me. This is exactly where I'm at. Overwhelmed, but overwhelmed by wanting to do my very best by these three little hearts. Struggling with doing it, but wanting to spend more and more time with them; the good, the bad, the ugly (and very often, the poopy at this particular stage). 

I'm praying for the Lord to guide us. Either he gets into this new school and we begin a new chapter in our lives this fall taking a little different of a road- or he doesn't, and he continues at a great school, I'm trying to trust in Him and His plan. 

And me. Reminding myself that I'm in charge of my attitude, and my response. And it's so good to remember this LEANING IN, in all areas, as a daily offering to Him.

Thoughts

It's a gray day outside.

August is done with his binky, which also has resulted in the end of naptime (and the start of more difficult bedtimes). So gone is my 1-3 hours of glorious alone time in the middle of the day, time that was often used for laundry, food prep, cleaning- but also time to exercise, do my Bible study, read, or even nap. I am making August do a "quiet time" in his room, where he can sleep, or play, and I see him in the monitor rocking in his chair and "reading" so that is awesome, it just is only like 45 mins to an hour tops. But I'll take it!

Even with less quiet alone time for myself I have been "in my head" a lot recently. Questioning my friendships, my career, my mothering, my purpose. A lot of it has stemmed from reading this book:

Which we received as a wedding gift and am now finally getting around to reading 5 years later!

But it is really good. I'm not finished, but it talks a lot about how marriage is great- and can be God glorifying. But it is not "your purpose" and the end all. Just like being a mom, doctor/lawyer/actress/etc, successful/famous, or any of those other good things are not the end goal. That our purpose is to make disciples. I have been really challenged by that. I do feel like I'm living a very me and family centered life and he talks of how your whole life and every day should be focused around the goal of making disciples. It is very convicting. I have been on a few mission trips, but nothing even in the last 7 years. And I think the last time I shared the gospel was almost 18 years ago (gasp!!) when I was at a student leadership training camp, and even then, my partner did most of the talking! It was really sad to realize that. I hope the way I live my life has been a witness along the way, but it definitely has a loooong way to go.

Anyway, it's led to a lot of thinking. I don't really feel happy at my job. I feel almost 'trapped' there though because I love that it enables me to work just 2 long days, get a decent wage and health insurance for me and the kids, and I only need two days of babysitting for the kids where we are lucky enough to have our parents alternating and Doug doing a day (or 2 if it's the weekend). Any other job I'd be away more days, need more babysitting, and probably make less $. It's just been so busy lately. I feel like I do most of my day in front of a computer charting and less time for the actual patients, and the patients come and go so fast. My last shift I had 9 people over 12 hours and on all those people are: assessments, 3 notes each, medications at all times of the day, various other monitoring: vitals/pain/urinary output/ drain output/ monitoring surgical sites, and other regular shift and hospital admission charting, it's just too much. A lot of days I pray nothing goes wrong because I'm just so worried I'll be busy with someone else I won't even realize someone else is falling through the cracks. It scares me. I am trying to do look on the brightside, with this particular job at least. Like I said, it affords me the ability to be home 5 out of 7 days with my kiddos, which is great, and $ and health ins which are practicalities we need.

So today I went to Etsy and ordered a new badge for my name tag that says "Can I pray for you?" I'm nervous but excited about it. I feel like it's a non-pushy way to be able to offer some of the hope I've found in Jesus in a place where people often are hurting, scared, in pain, and hopeless. And if they don't want prayer they don't even have to even acknowledge my badge. Win/win? I'm hoping that looking at my job more as a part of my mission field might just be the change to make me happy there.

Otherwise life is good. December is always busy. Something on every weekend already and several days of the week. It's busy, but I love seeing all the family and friends. And I love Christmas and giving gifts. I may not be a good gift receiver, but I do like to give and have several little fun presents this year that I'm excited to see people open :)

Our book club also read a good book, much in the style of the Guernsey Literary Potato Peel Society, and I read it in 2 long evenings on the couch. It's funny how I can read some books so quickly and others take months, but I guess that makes sense if there is "meat" to the book and I'm busy highlighting and trying to reflect. Anyway.

A tad predictable, and made me realize I know nothing about WWI. But a good book. Also makes me want to go to Paris :)

Last week of maternity leave

These 12 weeks have flown by. That phrase the days are long but the years are fast is so true. My baby girl is 11.5 weeks, and on Monday I go back to work. I am 'ready' for some adult interaction and being challenged at work, but I know I will miss my babies. I find myself often wishing I could work just 1 day a week, but in all, I feel pretty blessed that I can work 2 (long 13 hr days) but be home 5 out of 7 days a week, that is a blessing.

I was reading this on facebook and it stuck out to me:

A lot of times that's 'all' I feel I do. But it makes me tear up just reading this. (Not that I'm searching for worth), but I matter to my children. So many times a day I hear "mama come play with August", "mama kiss it", "mama help you", "mama read it", and I'm so happy that I am here to do those things. Even thought a lot of our days seem like diapers, making food and cleaning up, household chores, and naps, it feels good to do life with my family. And I'm sad for the end of our 'carefree days' I've had during this maternity leave.

Last night I was sitting in the rocking chair with August during our bedtime routine, already he won't sit on my lap, "I sit next to mama", and I just looked down and see his little legs sticking straight out next to mine, and he hummed along while I sang our bedtime songs. He's growing so fast. It seems like just yesterday he was a little baby. And now my real little baby is already growing so fast too.

She learned how to rollover already

Doug put up another wall on the co-sleeper to keep her safely on her side.

This past week was fun with a playdate at Liz's new house build:

And we will have some family time together and see friends over the 4th, and then back to work.

We try to keep our expenses low so that I possibly can go down to contingent (only work 3 days a month), but I'd lose the health ins. for me and the kids (Doug's is terrible), and that would pretty much eliminate any extra padding in the budget for vacations or extras. Our house is starting to feel a bit tight with 4, but same issue, do I want to make-do with less and be home? Or 'have more' material things and have to work more. Anyway, this is a current conversation that Doug and I have quite often. For the time being, I am trying to be content with what we have, and to be thankful, and make these days matter with my children.

blast from the past

This morning I enjoyed a seriously delicious brunch to celebrate Jill's birthday, no pictures, but smashed avocado on toast with egg, tomato, red onion and feta - and also splitting the Michigan pancakes, super fluffy with dried cherries and walnuts. August was mostly pretty good and we ladies got to sit and eat and chat. Wonderful!

Afterwards I took August for a quick stop into Trader Joes. While I was there perusing the freshly made sandwiches I saw my ex-sister-in-law, Andrew's sister. And she saw me. She came over saying "it doesn't have to be weird" as she gave me a hug. And I felt like saying, I didn't think it was weird. But maybe it's just a thing you say. She was there with a couple of her kids, and they we're like "who's that?" and she said "someone I knew a long time ago", which was odd, but it would've also been odd to say "your ex-aunt". I don't know. Maybe she told them in the car or something later, but it just felt odd. Like my past just didn't exist at all. So just a short and sweet chitchat. She knew August's name so that was kind of a surprise, must have been from Facebook (which I can never understand anymore why I see the same 10 people only?!?). But anyway. I just left feeling kind of odd. And here I am writing trying to figure out my feelings.

I called Doug as I was driving home to talk about it too. I remember as Andrew was filing for divorce I felt like she "unfriended" me at the time, which really hurt me- I didn't feel like I did anything wrong! But when I checked, we are facebook friends still, so did that not even happen?? I don't know. I just remember feeling not only abandoned by Andrew, but also his family as well. Although now I just feel like they probably didn't know what to do about anything either. One other thing bugging me is it seems weird to me that I didn't ask about Andrew. But I also thought it would've seemed weird to ask about him too! I don't know. Can't win. It's been 6 years. All I know is that he moved to a new state. Is he re-married? Is he happy? I don't know, and like I was saying with Doug, I don't really need to know- it's just a strange feeling. I still feel like I never did get a ton of closure, but in the end I guess all it takes is someone saying they don't want to be married to you. Period. You can't fight that.

So who knows. I used to think about him a lot and pray for him, now I almost never do. And when I think about it I just think about how good God has been to me. I remember feeling like I might never be married again, or I lost the chance to be a mother. But God has been so generous and good to me. So, despite all the tears and the hardship that it was, I'm thankful to be here on the other side.

thoughts

My grandma died yesterday.

This was my grandma I lived with for nearly ten years as I slowly earned my first Bachelor's degree. I have so many good memories of her when we were children, pulling us to the park in the wagon, reading book after book to me on her lap, singing 'swing on a star' to me when we'd sleep over. I feel bad reflecting on the years I lived with her. I know one of my cousins had lived with them for a semester and I think they really 'lived life together' with dinner together and deep conversations. I'm ashamed to say I used their home more like a hotel coming and going. I would talk to them, and we did have dinner together from time to time, and there was 'life lived together'; in some ways how could there not have been, it was nearly 10 years on and off. But I don't think I was really present. I was very invested in my friendships in that season of my life, but I didn't seem to save much of it for my family. I feel badly about that now.

I was talking to Doug shortly before 2018, reflecting on 2017 and wondering what 2018 would bring. We are hopeful it will bring us another baby, but I also voiced a feeling that something bad would happen. And sure enough, days later, she passed. I don't know why, but somewhere along the line I've developed a superstitiousness that I don't really like. My grandma was 96 years old. Me saying that is not what made that happen, a person doesn't live forever. But I seem to think about that a lot, and probability. I remember being in a group with 2 other friends and thinking about that statistic that 1 in 3 marriages would fail, and I thought to myself "poor Emily, she's going to get divorced someday." What a crazy thought, who thinks like that?! And crazy enough, both I and the other friend ended up divorced. And I think about percentages like 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and since my book club friends haven't had one, that must mean I will. Crazy, crazy thoughts. And really, underlying fear.

Ever since I read a book by Joni Eareckson Tada where she prayed for God to increase her trust, and shortly afterwards she had a diving accident which left her paralyzed I have been terrified to fully pray that prayer myself.

And it makes me wonder, am I short selling my own life because I am not willing to let Him take me where He has for me?

I don't know. By His grace I was able to trust and follow Him as He led me through an unwanted divorce, and He was 100% faithful, and has blessed me beyond measure. He has proved to me that I can trust Him and He provides. But still, I find myself not wanting bad things to happen and trying to avoid hurt.

Today I was on campus as I am in my last semester of my BSN and I had to meet with the professor about an internship and I took August with me, as I'm walking out of the building a guy held the door open for me. I realized I recognized this guy, it was a guy I had a crush on at this college almost 18 years ago. We chatted for a little while, he was also divorced and happily remarried as well, and it just felt so reaffirming that God is good and He can take pain and hurt and bring healing and joy.

Long story short, He is trustworthy and I should trust God with everything!

My grandparents celebrated their 75th wedding anniversary last summer, with their 8 children nearby. They have a total of 39 grandchildren, and 40 great-grandchildren, a number that keeps climbing. We are blessed because this couple chose to raise their children to know the Lord, and my parents raised me as well. "But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children" Psalm 103:17.

My grandpa fell last week and broke his hip, and was at the rehab. So my biggest sorrow is that as she died he was not there. However, she was with my aunt and uncle who they have lived with for the past 5 years. They moved there after my grandma fell and broke her hip, and was unable to be in their house anymore due to stairs and the begin/middle of dementia. She has been mostly wheelchair bound since then, and the dementia had progressed, so there is a peace about death in that fact. I remember living with her and talking in the kitchen once as we were making food or something and she was talking about her sister-in-law who had dementia and how she never wanted to be like that. So I am comforted to think of her in her heavenly perfection restored to her full body and mind. And my aunt and uncle have taken such loving care of her and my grandpa these past five years. It has been wonderful to see them be so loved and taken care of. What a sacrifice by my aunt and uncle, yet done from their complete selfless love for them. A true blessing to witness.

Doug and I were planning a trip for the end of January to go visit them once we'd heard about the fall. Now we will be going sooner. I am thankful that I was able to see them a couple times last summer, and fall, and that I have a few pictures of August with them too.

I thank God for the life of this wonderful woman who loved her family so much and followed and trusted the Lord herself. What a blessing and privilege to live for 96 years. Thank you Lord.

thoughts

Wow, I really must have been watching too much Pitch Perfect. Last night I caught myself thinking, I should just move out east and go live in a college dorm out there, that's where everyone falls in love.... and then I realized I am a 32 year old woman and way too old to live in a dorm.

Oh well. Maybe God has another plan for me.

I was going to share stuff I've made lately, but apparently I did not drag the pics to my flash drive, wah wah.

So instead, some Bible verses that have meant a lot to me over the year.

And this may be borderline sacrilegious, but it makes me laugh, and it's true!!!

2012

One year ago today my ex-husband told me out of the blue (to me at least) that he wanted a divorce.

2012 has by far been the hardest and at a lot of times the worst year of my life.

On the other hand, I have seen God working in my life. He has provided for me such loving, supportive family and friends. He has provided a new career path, a newer car, a divorce support group, an amazing church family, and a place to live with a friend who understands. And so much more.

God has showed me what it is to be His beloved daughter. He carried me through this year when so often I wondered how I'd make it to the next day. Here I am, a whole year later.

And I am thankful.

Some verses for the future:

Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Numbers 23:19 God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?

Psalm 27:3,5,13-14 Though an army may encamp against me, My heart shall not fear; Though war may rise against me, In this I will be confident. For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion; In the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me; He shall set me high upon a rock. I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!

1 Peter 5:10 (The Msg) The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ — eternal and glorious plans they are! — will have you put together and on your feet for good.

Compliment?

At work we're working on a strange case that is becoming more movie plot-esque by the day. A lady is pretty much being harrassed by the police and I was in my boss's office brainstorming of ways we can possibly help her more practically than by just working on her in-progress lawsuit.

My boss looked at me and said, "the thing that is so charming about you is you live in a different world; there's Anne's world and then there's reality".

I'm not sure if that was meant as a compliment or not, he was smiling, but while pretty much telling me I'm oblivious.

Anyway, I took it as a compliment. I do dream of a world where people are good and have purpose and love each other. But yeah, that world probably doesn't fully exist this side of heaven. Even if people are "good" we all still fall short.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23

Even so, God still calls us to do good.

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21

And He gives us the ability to do so.

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

And even when it seems too hard, we can be confident God will win the battle for this world.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Thoughts

It's been really hard getting used to my ringless finger:

I constantly think, oh I forgot my ring!.... oh yeah... still getting used to that.

Also, I can't really get a handle on my feelings this week.

I have felt some peace, but I've also felt something I just can't put my finger on. I am just amazed that it's over. I made it. I survived being divorced. There were so many days I never thought I'd make it through the day even, but God brought me through. A leader in my divorce recovery group talked about when her divorce was over she missed how she had so desperately clung to God during that time - and I think that's how I feel. I want that closeness and growth. I don't want to go back to my everyday life, just now without Andrew. I want life with Jesus.

I still need to focus on seeking God. He brought me thru this fire, and even though it's over, I still need to seek Him and trust Him for the future.

A friend sent me this from her devotions:

And I liked that. I will probably never understand why this happened, but I can still trust God, seek Him and have peace in Him.

My counselor said he noted something different in me, but not necessarily different good. He was worried about me repressing anger and growing bitter. So we talked a bit about people I might be 'angry' at. It's really hard to be angry at anyone, because I know this happened because of Andrew's choice- not anything anyone else did or didn't do. So I'm not really angry, but I am disappointed. Of course. I'm disappointed with people who could have said something and didn't, I'm disappointed at people who might have supported the easy way out, and I am disappointed that the divorce went through. I am, I didn't want this.

I remember divorce day my mom saying she thought I had been holding out hope, and I had! As long as I was Andrew's wife I was committed to him and our marriage, and holding out hope. In the end it wasn't so much hope in Andrew, but hope in what God could do.

This week mom and I had a good cry, talk and prayer about that. I do feel disappointed that God allowed this to happen, when I know He can fix anything. And we talked about how much God loves us- that He absolutely will not step over someones free-will. We know God hates divorce, and we know God desires people to chose Him and life His way - but if they don't, He won't force them.

And in the end I have a God who loves me, and still has good plans for me, and knows what He is doing. And that is enough.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

31

Today's my birthday.

Even when I was married sometimes I would think about how life is so different from what you imagined as a kid. I especially think about that now. I never thought at 31 I would be childless and going back to school, I certainly never thought I'd be divorced. I guess what I've been working on these past several months is facing the facts.

Last year on my birthday Andrew gave me a 5 year journal where you write a few lines a day and can look back and see how life has changed. Since this divorce stuff I thought I want a new one, I didn't want to look back every day for the remaining 4 years and live through this divorce all over everyday. But in other ways, I can already see how God has been providing for me and restoring. Now I think it might be really good to look back and see how God was there the whole time. And to have written proof of how he has moved and changed me, and hopefully I will see some of those famous prosperous plans He's always talking about! :)

My counselor told me that come new year eve's I would see that day as a completely new year, because it would have been a full year since Andrew announced he wanted a divorce. I think that will probably be true- but I'm also starting to feel hopeful now. And even though 31 sounds old and scary to be starting over, I see this birthday as a fresh new year.

Last night was the last small group for the summer. We had a BBQ and sat on the porch. It was fun. And the ladies in the group gave me something so precious:

They all signed this picture frame and wrote such wonderful things. It really touched me. That's one thing, I may have lost my marriage this year but God has provided such a wonderful community to walk through this with me. And for that I am thankful.

"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:30-31

Family Weekend

This weekend I'm going up North for my cousin's ordination. There will be a lot of my family there that probably haven't heard about me and Andrew yet.

I'm nervous.

I know my family loves me, and most people have been super supportive. But part of me feels 'ashamed'. And maybe that's the wrong word- I know that I probably failed Andrew in certain ways to be the wife he needed, but I have to remember he was the one who chose to quit.

I don't know.

I can't help but feel I'm tarnishing our family reputation. Out of 8 of the aunt/uncle marriages there was only 1 divorce, and out of 11 of the cousin's marriages so far, I will be the only one. Not that I want anyone else to be divorced! I just can't help feeling like the black sheep.

Andrew's family was different. In their family divorce was a dime a dozen. I don't think that was better though, that kind of environment seems to only foster an idea that marriage is something 'just to try out'. And I don't think he received any real encouragement to work it out. I don't know. I remember Andrew telling me he thought marriage could and should last a lifetime. Guess not.

I'll be praying this verse for strength this weekend: "Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand." Psalm 73:23.

I Forgot

Yesterday Venus crossed the sun. And I forgot to watch it.

Way back in 2010 I first heard about this celestial appointment and I wrote it in my planner. (yes, I use a paper planner, I'm old school). Then I transferred it into the 2011/2012 planner, still not really knowing what it was. Earlier this year I found out it would be in June and so I wrote it into June's month. I even read about it yesterday online. But come 6pm, I completely forgot.

I had to stay late at work unexpectedly, and I had to then race to my counseling appointment. So at 6 pm I was probably running into his office, and I guess I didn't even notice when I came out of there and drove to small group.

It wasn't till about 9:30pm when I was driving home that I realized. And my jaw literally dropped as I realized.

It wasn't the hugest deal. I'm not some budding astronomer or anything, but it was just funny that I'd waited 3 years to see it and then completely forgot.

Oh well, here's a google picture of what I missed

And here's a link to an article with really neat pictures and a video.

things I'm liking lately

Yeaaaahhh... so haven't woken up any earlier at all. I guess I'm liking sleeping in. But I'm shooting for May 1st - back on track! Since I am a 1st birthday, I always count the passing of life on the 1st. So May 1st I will be 30 and 3/4 and it will be time to get back on with normal life. I just finished the book

I liked it. It was a care package gift from my thoughtful sister. I brought it up to my book club as an idea but it was quickly shot down, haha. They were like 'a dog dreams about racing?!? - No!!!' That's not quite what it was about, but I really liked it. There was a funny part about the dog getting revenge on his owners in-laws. In general the book made me miss our sweet old dog Harmony.

When my friend Jill visited last week she showed me a game on her ipod touch

Each level you have to figure out how to open the door and move to the next level. So fun! I was super close to getting an ipod just to play this game. Until I reached level 35 and won the game, wah wah. They need thousands more levels. But I really love those maze games, fun. I don't want to be one of those people though that are constantly doing something on their phone, so it is good to keep resisting!

Tonight I'm meeting up with a friend and her husband at a Kid Rock's resteraunt. I'm excited. Not about the Kid Rock part, but going out to dinner sounds so nice. Mmmm. I checked out the menu online and they have fried pickles, my fave! I guess people rave about the mac and cheese at this place, but I'm more a burger girl or pulled chicken sandwich, so we'll see. My stomach is growling just thinking about it!

Bathroom Chats

Wow. I can’t believe it’s the first of December already. And I am 30 and 1/3. Geez, time flies.

Yesterday I was in the bathroom at work and I could overhear these women talking about their love for chips. It was amusing.

Lady 1: I love chips
Lady 2: Me too, I could live on them. Although it wouldn’t be healthy.
Lady 1: Have you ever had chip cookies?
Lady 2: No, but I want the recipe.
Lady 1: I like the folded ones.
Lady 2: I like plain.
Lady 1: I love all chips.
Lady 1: Except Better Made chips.
Lady 2: They are a poor excuse for chips.
Lady 1: They don’t even count as chips.

I was in my stall stifling a laugh. It just went on and on! But I totally agree on the dislike for Better Made chips, sorry Detroit, not your best.

Speaking of the bathroom, the other day on the door of the office bathroom stall this poem appeared:

“If you sprinkle when you tinkle, get to your feet and wipe the seat.”

Catchy, no? But something about it bugs me. I also hate coming into the bathroom and having stuff on the seat – although in random person’s defense – sometimes it’s just toilet flushing spray water. Anyway, I kept thinking about a response poem, like “If you don’t like cleaning up after slobs, maybe it’s time to look for other jobs…” I laughed, but I think it’s kind of mean, so I didn’t write anything. Someone’s just trying to make their job easier!

Last night Hubb’s grandpa had a couple minor strokes. Today he is in the hospital for tests. I felt like a listening/supportive failure because that stupid health side of me is just instantly thinking about the health part- and not the emotional part. So I start to ask a question, and then instantly say “nevermind”. But of course, that doesn’t fly in our house, so he kept asking me what I was going to say and I have to ask: “isn’t stroke one of the 3 leading causes of death?” Um… sorry about that. Luckily it was just us, and my husband in the medical field and is real about things, but that would not have been good to say in front of anyone else. And he knows I do care, I’m just awkward. I don’t understand why I can be so cold and factual about that stuff – I do care!!

Anyway, we are hoping and praying for good test results today for grandpa.