Friday, May 25, 2012

the show must go on

With everything going on, it seems stupid to go back to blogging about food, and books, etc. I know my blog is called 'Anne's Everyday Life', but honestly everyday life isn't that great right now. It's been really hard. Last weekend I had lunch with my parents and I remember my dad telling me he hoped I could get to a place again where I feel joy and happiness, regardless if I get married again someday or what happens to me in that area. I wholeheartedly agree and want that as well. I have had times of happiness despite everything going on, and I do have hope for the future, but mostly right now I just feel pretty low.
But I feel more hopeful than before, so that's good.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
1 Corinthians 15:19 If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.
And God puts me in my place again :)
So my already low posts will probably stay low, but when there is something I want to share, I will.
The other night I hosted book club. We have been reading an AMAZING book:
It's a story of a young Christian woman in the Roman times. The story of her life and faith and ministry. I loved it and cried several times. The second book in the series, Echoes in the Darkness, was amazing as well.
For dinner I made manicotti crepes. This recipie went right into the trash after I made it. It was so time consuming and not even that great. I had it at a girl's weekend I went to, and it was so much better there. I don't know why.
You had to make your own sauce, mine burnt to the bottom and then tasted burned. I spilled my olive oil all over the top of the stove, and a giant magma hot puddle of sauce splashed onto my hand when I was stirring and burned me. There is still a blister on my hand days later!
I had to soak my hand in the cold water of my thawing dinner (because Andrew took the microwave) and continued to make like 15 crepes, one at a time, one-handedly.
My lovely friends still told me it was good, and we had a good time anyway. And the dessert was good.
I'm thankful to have good people in my life to shares the ups and downs.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers, I have trouble I wish wasn't there. And I have asked a thousand ways, That You would take my pain away, That You would take my pain away.
I am trying to understand, How to walk this weary land. Make straight the paths that crookedly lie, Oh Lord, before these feet of mine, Oh Lord, before these feet of mine.
When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands.
When You walked upon the Earth, You healed the broken, lost, and hurt. I know You hate to see me cry, One day You will set all things right, Yea, one day You will set all things right.
When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands.
Your hands, Your hands that shape the world, Are holding me, they hold me still. Your hands that shape the world, Are holding me, they hold me still.
When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave You when...
When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave... I never leave Your hands.
Thank you to my sweet friend for sending me a cd of Christian songs including this gem. Here it is if anyone wants to listen to it.
I love the truth that even though my world is being rocked and my heart is breaking, I am safe in His hands and His world is steady!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Fessing Up

Well, there is going to be a change in Anne's Everyday Life. The real life, not the blog. Actually there has been a change, I just didn't want to say anything because I didn't want it to be true. I didn't want to put it in writing. I hoped it would get fixed. But it's not.
I am getting divorced.
New Year's Eve Andrew and I were having a bit of an argument when he got really angry. He said he didn't love me and wasn't happy. He shouted that he wanted a divorce. I thought he was just mad, although he was breaking the rule we had made not to say that. But as days passed and he said he felt the same I started to wonder. He went to counseling with me a few times, but the counselor said that individual might be better for us. And so he did that for a few weeks, but then he quit. He filed for divorce on April 13th. Friday the 13th. I wasn't superstitious before, but I will probably think of that every Friday the 13th for the rest of my life. He moved out last week.
I can't describe how horrible it's been. A lot of my friends say they can't imagine how hard it is. And I'm glad they can't relate. There is nothing worse than your husband, your best friend, your partner, your love, telling you he doesn't love you any more and doesn't want to be married to you.
It's hard too not having a "good reason". No one cheated or anything like that. In the divorces I've heard about you can usually see it coming. People fighting for years. Not us. We had a few of the same fights come up, but I thought we were doing good. When we were dating we would usually have a 'check-up' on our monthly anniversary. It was something we continued into our marriage. Every month we would ask each other how we were doing in our marriage, if there were things to work on, things we could do better, etc. But he said it was good, I thought things were fine.
Andrew said he's been 'faking it' for awhile. Just trying to make it work. Tired of it. Looking back I remember he was a bit distant on our end of November trip to Toronto, but otherwise I look back and see someone who loved me and was happy.
We took this picture Christmas night. It's our last picture together. And even the night before the fight Andrew told me he loved me. It's been hard to accept. I was in our marriage too, and I saw him, I believe he was happy, I believe he loved me. I saw him growing in his faith and as my husband.
My mom said she heard on the Christian radio station about a lot of marriages ending at about 18 months. The 'honeymoon' is over and people give up. We had a pretty smooth first year, which everyone usually says is the hardest, but I guess it would be smooth if someone isn't being truthful. We were at about 16 months when this happened. A friend last night said she and her husband didn't do pre-marital, but at at about their year and a half mark they too were having problems and they saw the counselor then. I thought it was really interesting, it's not just us. The difference is they both want to work on it. It takes two.
In the end it comes down to a choice. Andrew now says he doesn't believe love is a choice, he believes it's a feeling. And he can't make himself 'feel it'. Even though we talked about our marriage being based on a choice, a committment, not feelings that can change, that's not how he sees it now.
My choice has been to tell Andrew that I love him, that I'm committed to him and this marriage and to figuring out what's going on. But his choice is to walk away. And as much as it hurts, I have to let him.
So that's what's been going on.
I can only be thankful that I have a relationship with God. I have felt His presence and strength and, at times, comfort. My mom has been sending me verses to remind me of what is true:
"You are my servant; I have chosen you and not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:9b-10
"Cast all your anxiety on him, for he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all you ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
"But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life." Isaiah 43:1-4
"I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with lovingkindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt." Jeremiah 32:3-4a
I don't want this divorce. I want Andrew. I miss him. I love him. I wish he would fight for us with me, and figure out what the real problem is, and not give up.
But again, it's his choice.
I will continue to trust that God has us both in the palm of His hands and will provide and care for us. Together or apart.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Up Late

Last night I should have turned off the tv and went to bed. But I didn't. A movie was coming on and I stayed up too late watching it. I should have known when I first saw Samuel L. Jackson's face (I don't like him) that it wasn't going to be worth it. But I stayed up anyway. The movie was Changing Lanes and it was pretty much a movie filled with revenge and escalating comebacks. The next thing you know one guy has made the other guy appear bankrupt, then he took the lug nuts off the other guys car and gets in an accident, then the other guy loses his wife and kids.. on and on. These movies are always hard for me because I've always been big on forgiveness. Yes, I know it's just a movie, but anyway. At the end they ended up learning about themselves and all was restored and they did forgive. So it wasn't bad, I'm just tired today.
Plus, I was wakened up at 2am by my smoke alarm battery peeping loudly. I have now decided that smoke alarms should be equipped with clocks and they should only be allowed to die during daytime hours. The last smoke alarm battery died just a few weeks ago at 1am as well! Oh well, it probably is my fault, they say you're supposed to change them on DST and I didn't. Serves me right!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Back on Track

Can I say 'back on track' if it's only been 1 day?
This morning I got up on time and did an old favorite
Sometimes if I haven't worked out in awhile I don't really know where to start up again. I like this video because it's a mix of (light) plyometrics and aerobics but it's not too hard to get back into working out. Then I should probably add in my weight training again. I remember in one of my exercise science classes that you start to lose muscle mass in only 3 days of not working out. Depressing! So more encouragement to stick to it!