Thursday, November 29, 2012

Things I Miss

aka the complainey and probably TMI post
I really miss my old car. It was so no-fuss. If it didn't start it was easy to know what was wrong, either the battery or starter. This new car has a lag before it starts and I can't figure it out. And random lights are staying on on the dashboard panel. The airbag light and the emergency brake. Why?? The e-brake is not on, and the brake fluid is full. And who knows about the airbag. The guy at Ford yesterday told me it'd be $184 just to do the indicator tests, not even to fix anything. Sigh. I talked to my brother a few weeks ago about taking some car mechanics classes after nursing school and this settles it. Why should I pay so much money for a test that is probably super easy to do, I just don't know what it is.
I miss my kitchen stuff. While I'm really thankful to be able to stay with my friend for a year I really miss my stuff. I hate her cheap toaster that consistently burns my toast no matter what setting I put it on.
I miss my bed. It seemed like the fair thing to let Andrew take it since I knew I was moving in with a friend into a small room, and it would have been chewed up by mice if I hoarded it in the barn until I could afford to have my own place again. But I miss it. It was so big and soft and wonderful.
I miss my apartment. I don't know why it seems to be my lot in life to have a bedroom that is constantly right next to a outside spotlight that glows brighter than the sun. Even with double-"light blocking"-curtains it is still super bright in my room. But at least the apt was quiet, the condo has some heating thing that clicks and bangs and gurgles. It's been weeks of terrible sleep.
And of course I miss Andrew.
My counselor has been talking to me about anger again. Asking me why I 'protect' Andrew and refuse to see him for who his character has proven him to be. I don't know.
My church has been doing a series on Adam, and about men. And it's been super hard for me. I was in our marriage too and I saw a man who loved me, protected me, cherished me. I witnessed, I don't know the word, 'manly growth', in him, maturity, I saw him growing in his walk with God. I trusted him, respected him, believed in him.
And when I remember him, I remember that man. The one who I loved and who loved me. Why can't my brain accept that person is long gone? I hadn't seen a trace of him since new year's eve. This Andrew is a person who told me he didn't love me, along with a lot of other really hurtful things. This Andrew broke his vows to God and to me. This Andrew abandoned me and never looked back.
My counselor says I should be angry, but I don't know, I just still feel mainly sad. And even though his true character has been revealed, I still wonder if the Andrew I knew is in there somewhere. Is he truly a complete 180 of himself, or is he just out there calling someone else his love and his perfect match, and loving and protecting her?
I don't know. I truly do want him to live a full and satisfying life. It's just still hard to be on this side of still not really knowing 'why' that couldn't have been with me.
I know I shouldn't miss him, but I miss him all the same.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Thanksgiving Break

Ah, Thanksgiving break, what a w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l long weekend it was. Thanksgiving day I only had to make Cranberry Wild Rice to take to my grandma's. The recipe called for a can of of cranberries, but since that is pretty much a can of high fructose corn syrup, I made my own.
I used apple juice concentrate to sweeten it, but it was still on the sour side so I added some brown sugar.
Cook it up with a couple boxes of wild rice mix, and onion, stir in some celery and there you have it! Easy and tasty.
And off I went to Thanksgiving dinner.
I never feel bad about eating Thanksgiving dinner. Our stuff is pretty healthy and my other aunt and uncle that come are amazingly great vegetarian cooks. This Thanksgiving I had: salad, polenta stuffed cilantro and corn green peppers (yes- delicious), a bran muffin, brussel sprouts, yams, mashed potatoes, and a bit of turkey. Everything was so great. And a bit of mom's homemade pumpkin pie. Yum.
We all went for a long walk through the city and then sat and talked. A great day.
The rest of my break I holed up at my parent's house and napped, got mom to do exercise videos with me (favorite mom quotes: I haaaate jumping jacks!! and when exercise lady said 'hope to see you again real soon', mom angrily replied I hope not, lol) played games with them, ate leftovers, watched You've Got Mail, crafted, did homework, more naps, and just relaxed. It was wonderful. And now I'm ready to tackle the last 3 weeks of school till Christmas break.
I am thankful for what God has been doing in my life.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Weekend Update

This weekend was another busy good one. On Friday I went to dinner at a friend's house. She is an amazing cook. She made lentil potato soup, a salad (with more than just lettuce- like my typical 'salad') topped with these uh-maze-ing homemade croutons, and then roasted veggie sandwiches smeared with goat cheese. And then german chocolate cupcakes for dessert. So spoiled. And she sent me home with more food too.
And we went to a comedy night. It was really a good, funny night.
The next day was a homework/study day. But I also made a penne recipe (still not as good as my friends!) >:( (altho I think I used the whole box of pasta, and it only asks for 8oz.)
And I shopped for my Operation Christmas Child box. My friend's church did that this year and I made a box for her to turn in for the kid's around the world.
The loot:
A kite, a ball that claims to bounce 75 feet, my favorite- a glow in the dark star wars puzzle, toothbrush and toothpaste, a hat, candy, colored pencils, paints, light up yo-yos, and another favorite, that fun fuzzy bird pen. I want one!
I'm happy to make one more child have a smile on Christmas :)
I also made some more stuffed peppers and carrots to drop off to my friend who just had a sweet little baby boy
(no picture of baby boy, just of the food, whoops!)
And Sunday was a fun day with church in the morning, and then the long-awaited Breaking Dawn 2!!!
which wasn't my favorite, but really good. Always good to stare at that gorgeous vampire face.
I snuck in a couple of these cookies:
You are dead to me freak chocolate-less cookie!!!
And then book club at my friend's house. Great food and great friends.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Divorce Class

Last weekend I went to my parent's church and after the service one of the ladies came up to me and said "I thought you were going to tough it out with the rest of us." It took me a few seconds to realize she was talking about my marriage. I was really caught off guard and just stammered something like, "I wanted to."
I talked about this comment later in the week with my counselor. In some ways it doesn't matter that people don't know exactly what happened, it's over, it's done, it's not their business anyway. But it does bother me that it was assumed I didn't want to 'tough it out', or whatever, I did, I tried to. I told my counselor I felt like I had to defend myself and I didn't want to throw Andrew under the bus, and he told me, "Andrew is under the bus. But he crawled under there himself." Ouch.
So I'm still doing this divorce class program and we watch a video series and talk about it. Last night's session was "What Does the Owner's Manual Say?". The idea is that since marriage is God's design, we should follow His instructions. My group recommends you go through their program twice, since the first time you are in such a fog, and last night was my second time on that topic. I'm glad I heard this topic again. I think God has been healing me and comforting me that I truly did try, and again, not that I am perfect by any means, but in the end, if someone chooses to leave you - you can't stop them. That's really been sinking in, I am only responsible for my choices. So I felt a lot of peace and even some hope for the future.
I also have been hearing this song quite often and I love it. Remind Me Who I Am - Jason Gray.
When I lose my way, and I forget my name, remind me who I am. In the mirror all I see, is who I don't wanna be, remind me who I am
In the loneliest places, when I cant remember what grace is
Tell me, once again, who I am to You, who I am to You. Tell me, lest I forget, who I am to You, that I belong to You. To You
When my heart is like a stone, and I'm running far from home, remind me who I am. When I can't receive Your love, afraid I'll never be enough, remind me who I am
If I'm Your beloved can You help me believe it
Tell me, once again, who I am to you, who I am to You. Tell me, lest I forget, who I am to you, that I belong to You. To You
I'm the one You love, I'm the one You love. That will be enough, I'm the one You love
Tell me, once again, who I am to you, who I am to You. Tell me, lest I forget, who I am to you, that I belong to You. To You
God loves me so much.

Thursday, November 15, 2012


Oh no! I lost one of my mittens! :( This mitten came all the way home with me from Peru and lived happily in my coat pocket until it must have fallen out somewhere. I was sad. I'm debating making a flyer.
So, I passed the test. She must have curved a lot, but I'll take it! She put a little note in the place where you go online to check grades for me that said: "I'm sorry you were so upset, please make an appointment with me to go over your test." And I will, gladly! I want to know how I can study differently to do my best. I had another test this morning and I felt went really well. I met yesterday with a girl after class and we got lunch and studied together for hours. Besides her offering me some ritalin, um.. no thanks, I think the study buddy plan worked really good for me and I will do that again in the future!
Then I went home and made some dinner and watched Modern Family. I wish I knew how to insert clips into this blog because there was a scene with Phil on an accidental gay date and I literally laughed out loud while watching, wish I could share, sorry.
I can share my love for delicious butter chicken. Ok, seriously, if anyone reads this blog and has not gotten this yet - you are only cheating yourself. I have blogged over and over about how delicious it is. And no, I don't work for Kitchens of India... but I would love to... anyway, and don't think 'oh I'll never use all 6 packs' because you will, you will.
I added my usual chopped broccoli and yummy, so good.
Jill taught me that trick to wet a napkin and stick it over the rice cooker hole so it won't sputter its gelatinous cooking water everywhere and gum up the counters. I remember registering and I thought, nah, I can just toss rice and water in a pot, but I do like the rice cooker. Maybe someday I'll buy one, but I want one with a stainless steel insert so I'm not eating all the teflon/aluminum lining over the years, they are a lot more expensive though. Maybe I'll stick with my pot. We'll see..
Then I finished off the rest of this bar I was hoarding and studied some more!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Weekend Visitor

My brother was in town last weekend! I feel like I looked forward to it all month, and it was over so fast. But good times, good talks, great laughs.
I went to stay at my parent's house for the weekend and mom made all Joel's favorite meals, we watched movies, jumped in huge leaf piles, talked and did some work. Joel came to help my parents chop and cut up logs from our woods for their wood-burning stove. I was exempt from most of the labor to study for my first nursing exam.
I did take a couple breaks to work on my wreath:
I had gone to a craft night at a friend's and got sticks from her backyard. But I only had monofilament thread at the time and it was all loose and limp. So I used wire to rewrap it to 2 wreath-afied coat hangers.
Then I made some fabric flowers and sewed them on. Ready to add maybe a sprig of beads or something holiday-esque and send it off to my friend for Christmas!
So, about that exam, I felt like I was really prepared for my exam, I had read all the chapters, attended and took notes in every class, studied for hours and hours, had mom and Joel quiz me - but the test was pretty terrible. Our professor let us write our answers on a seperate piece of paper and 'self-check' at a table in the front of class to see how we did. I was doing pretty good at first, but then wrong-wrong-wrong. I could feel the tears start to fall and drop all over the answer sheet! It was just such a frustrating feeling, to work so hard just to do terrible anyway and not know what you could have done differently. Later quite a few classmates said they did bad and not to worry, she'll curve. But we'll see. How horrible to try for years to get into nursing school and fail out in the first 6 weeks. It's just so much pressure, and 77% is 'failing'. When we came back into class our professor made us write what we were thinking on a post-it, and then she told us to 'sit on it', it was in the past and to move on. Anyway, hopefully it's not as bad as I think....
Anyway, other pics from this weekend:
Joel quizzing me (whilst eating delicious snickerdoodles)
super yummy beef brats
pumpkin shakes from our favorite icecream place where we both used to work, I made mine chocolate-pumpkin, yum
Ahhh, miss this guy! Looking forward to Christmas for more family time. My brother is coming back with his wife, and my sister and her bf. Can't wait.

Friday, November 9, 2012


Last night Jill and I and some co-workers went to see Madonna in concert. My boss represents a company that does the security for her and other big name concert people so he hooked us up with some tickets. I would really LOVE to see someone like Pinback, Modest Mouse, or Broken Bells, but he doesn't represent anyone like that. So Madonna it was. I do really like some of her old stuff- Holiday (favorite), Vogue, What it Feels Like for a Girl, Like a Prayer. Jill was super excited and has asked me for months about the status of our tickets!
The cause for such frequent asking is that we weren't actually issued paper tickets months ago, we had to go to the "Madonna Friends and Family" line at the will-call and we got our tickets and wristbands for 'the golden triangle' area in front of the stage.
Paul Oakenfeld was her opening act, so Jill and I went down to that triangle area and danced and took pictures in front of the big Madonna stage curtain. It was pretty crazy people-watching. There were some quite extravagant people to say the least.
So then Madonna comes out and right away we knew it was going to be questionable. A huge cross comes down and it was like a scene from a church and these winged dancers were crawling around and it just seemed almost evil. Followed by songs 'bang bang you're dead- shot my lover in the head' with screens of giant blood spatters. She gave a speech about how much she loved Obama and most people cheered, but there were a few boos I was pleased to hear. It's just crazy anyway, the election is over and she doesn't even really live in the US anymore. People are here to hear you sing not talk about Obama. The rest of the night degraded with her doing a striptease, laying on the floor asking for money for Hurricane Sandy (but hey- YOU are richer than everyone in here combined probably, why don't you donate 10%, or even 1% of this concerts proceeds!?!), and singing about how "we're all sinners and I like it that way".
The whole thing was just actually really sad. I think we kept hanging in there hoping that the next song would be a fun oldie, but it was mostly all her latest new-agey stuff, or stuff that seemed like it worshipped her even.
We drove home and actually had a really good talk about how as Christians we are sinners but God has redeemed us and does not leave us in our sin. And also how we are called to be salt and light in the darkness. This is really hard, as stuff like last night- and life being so broken in general, makes me feel so discouraged about the world we live in. And I daydream about some place that is wholesome and good. I guess that place probably doesn't exist outside of heaven though, and again, the mission is to show Jesus love to people who don't yet know him, which is a lot of people right here.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


Oh my gosh, 3 weeks into classes and already all I ever do is study. Stress! Our first day of class our professor told us that there are people in the room whose marital statuses won't be the same 2 years from now as they are today, I secretly thought that it couldn't get any worse for me, but in general I thought that was a terrible thing to say to a room full of hopeful young nurses (and also hopefully people whose marriages will have some extra grace and patience shown to each other these next 2 years!)
Here are some pics from cooking two weekends ago, or last week, who even knows, it's all starting to blur together:
My favorite butternut squash burritos, Jill's super yummy chicken noodle that helped get ride of my aweful cold, and cranberry chocolate chip muffins.
Big kitchen news was that we got some really nice roll out shelves installed in the cabinet, so I could stop digging thru my big legal box of food I brought when I moved in.
After: Jill was so excited to unpack!
Although I do still have 2 shoeboxes of spices, no good way to organize those bad boys without a huge drawer... oh well, nurse bucks dream kitchen someday...
I also made a new yummy chili:
can I have some please?
And now my life is always this:
Nursing book mandatory.
Dog optional.
I better like being a nurse because becoming one is a LOT of work!!!