20 Things I Hope I Never Forget About My 20s

My friend Lindsey posted hers a week or so ago, and my first thought was "my 20s we're bad, I'm glad they're over" and then I had to stop and correct myself. Where the heck did that come from?!? My 20's were great. Full of new adventures and friends and experiences. The only year that was pretty much bad all year was 2012, the year of going through the divorce, and that wasn't even when I was 20! I was 30.5-31.5(ish) so why in my mind was it a bad decade?! Anyway, the only thing to do was to right that wrong.

I probably won't actually have a list of 20 things, but I do want to reflect on some of the bigger 'life lessons' learned during that decade (of awesomeness).

So, I specifically remember turning 20 because I was afraid to leave my 'wild teen years'. I was up in Northern Michigan at a student leadership training camp with InterVarsity and it was the summer I became friends with Jill over long walks after dinner and her making fun of my 10 shirts the exact same style just different colors

Ahh, so young, so tan looking

Turning 20 was fun and even kinda 'wild' as Jill, another friend, and I snuck out of our dorm and went skinny dipping in the lake at night (just girls, calm down).

My 20's also included my first mission trip! I went to Calcutta, India for 2 months and worked in a Mother Teresa orphanage.

Look at those sweet faces of those precious girls. My mom says I came home begging them to adopt.

In my 20's I took an epic road trip with Liz. With just a map and our Bad Girls Guide to the Open Road book we hiked into the Grand Canyon, slept in our car, tried to sneak into a ghost town, cooked sandwiches on the car engine, camped and I cried when I thought Liz was kidnapped (turns out she was just sleeping outside on our picnic table), we ran over a snake, (twice), and drove up the coast of California. I fell asleep as we left California and Liz drove us all the way to about Nebraska when I woke up, haha, friend drive sharing fail.

My 20's were a huge time of out-of-my-box personal and spiritual growth. I'll never forget the year I spent in Tulsa, Oklahoma as an intern for a mission's organization. I helped kids go on missions trips, was involved in Bible studies, tutored girls in a girl's home, worked with the youth group, was an intern at the church. It was a year of developing new relationships. I became friends with another Jill (Oklahoma-, then Kentucky-, and now Missouri- Jill) who is still my friend today

That was a year of learning about love relationships. I was a total jerk to this super nice guy and broke up with him telling him "he wasn't funny enough". ouch. (I did later apologize). Later I fell in love, and wasn't loved in return. It was a year of learning.

And it was a huge year for me as I decided to get baptized as an adult

Thank you God for saving me!

My 20s were years of education! I earned a certificate in therapeutic massage, a Bachelor's in Wellness, Health Promotion and Injury Prevention, and a certificate in paralegal studies. Now, I didn't say years of good paying jobs! But education yes, and years living at my grandparents and nannying which were both amazing experiences.

(especially being flown in private jets to Aspen... ah the good old days....)

There were trips and travels.

I loved our family trip out to Yellowstone National Park/ the Tetons

A couple years later the "kids" went on their first (no parents) camping trip to Tobermory, Ontario

let's hear it for cards!

There were lots of good times as a family, and fun times with my siblings. Bittersweet times too, moving Joel out to Colorado

and then Elizabeth a couple years later

I took so many trips in my 20s! India, Canada, Venezuela on a mission's trip

Mexico

me and Liz got a tour of Mexico City from a guy we had met on the plane

Costa Rica

Honduras

where I learned a lesson of failing as I failed my scuba diving lessons (and got the most horrible forehead sunburn of my life)

(and more good trips in my early 30's: Peru, Guatemala, and Hawaii so far!)

I was engaged and unengaged in my mid-20s. Valuable lessons learned there. Looking back now I think I just really wanted to get married because my 2 best girl friends were. It hurt at the time, but I know we're both happy we didn't get married. And then I did get married at 29. Which in a lot of ways was good, and I really loved him, and for a short time I thought we had a beautiful life together. And then of course, it wasn't. And even though the divorce was so hard and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, and the year was really really hard all year - it was also, as I've shared again and again, such a beautiful year. I had never felt such love and support and community from my family, friends, and Savior. I will never forget that.

Wow, God has been so good to me! I love seeing all these pictures and remembering so many wonderful memories and stories.

I'm SO thankful for all the amazing life experiences God has blessed me with so far, I look forward to another decade of love and learning and life!

baby thoughts

Today I go into clinical in the afternoon, and I stayed up late last night studying ALL DAY and updating my passwords with keepass so I don't get hacked (thx Joel!)- so this morning I lazed in bed a bit and read some blogs. I started to read my favorite food blog girl's blog, and see a pregnancy announcement. I was excited for her, I've been reading her blog for about 3 years now, and even though she blogs mostly about her delicious recipes and not so much about her life, I guess you still kinda imagine bloggers as your friends and you get curious about their lives. So I was excited to see that.

At the same time it just made me think about my life. I've wanted to be a wife and mom as long as I can remember. And while I have grown A TON in this aread and realize that's not my "purpose" in life, it's still something I hope for. I always dreamed I'd graduate from college, get married, have several years going on trips with my husband and establishing our marriage, and then have 3 kids. .... Instead my life has been very different from those young dreams. It's taken me forever to decide on a career, I'll now graduate at 33 and will still go right back for my RN -> BSN, I never ever planned on a divorce, and who knows if I will be even able to have children.

Before I start sounding too depressing, I do want to say I am thankful for the lessons God has taught me through this life. This life that isn't how I imagined, but it's surprising, and blessed, and beautiful to see how God has brought me through pain and sorrow and continues to lead me and show me how much He loves me.

(Read these verses while listening to this awesome song they played yesterday at my church baptism Sunday, (and praise God for 11 people who decided to give their lives to Jesus!!!))

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:8

I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Psalm 116:1-2

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6-7

I was also thinking about the Bible verse Jeremiah 29:11 about how God has good plans for us, (which I know is true), but it one of the most often mis-used verses. That verse was specifically for His people Israel after the Babylonians sacked the city, and God promised restoration to those people - BUT on His timetable, not theirs, and probably not in the way they were hoping for. This is a beautiful verse of God loving and taking care of His people, but I need to be careful not to read it as God the vending machine doling out gifts. Please read this article which is much more eloquent and clear than I will ever be. And I will also quote a paragraph here:

With that in mind, it's noteworthy that God speaks in Jeremiah 29:13–14 and says, “You will find me, if you seek me with all your heart … and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you.” The blessing (the restoration) is directly tied to being in right relationship with God. And being in right relationship flows from seeking “with all your heart.”

But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 4:29

My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, Lord, I will seek. Psalm 27:8

food and thoughts

I'd say the best thing about my dating experience last month was finding this new recipe that is AWESOME. He took me to this restaurant named Granite City, and I got Asian Chicken Salad and it was wonderful. I tried to recreate it last week based on this recipe I found online, it was pretty close, and super good.

First I marinated the chicken in pineapple juice, soy sauce, a bit of olive oil, and minced garlic. Then I made the salad base of shredded cabbage, romaine, cucumber, orange peppers, tomato, cilantro and carrot.

I bought this sauce because I didn't want to mess with all their ingredients in the recipe, and I stirred in some peanut butter

I made the lime and sesame dressing (altho I think I used plain oil) and I added some fresh ginger

I pan-fried the chicken its marinade

and then chopped it real thin like the restaurant did

Plopped it on the salad, and topped with the dressings. At the place they had the greens in the first dressing and the brown sauce swirled on top, but mine was too chunky with the pb, so I ended up just combining the 2 sauces and putting it on.

Oh my gosh, so good. Theirs was prettier and better, but mine was tasty too. I invited my friend Liz over to help eat some. And I got to make something good for her for once!

So this morning my mom called me and said she thinks she understands what he was talking about with the 'cynical' bit, at least with my humor: when we went up north last weekend mom and I were walking in to the rest area and I see a poster advertizing Flint as a tourist destination. (and all my MI peeps are like, whaaa??) So I make a comment to mom like, "Flint!?! Yeah, if they want to see gangs and America's fattest city" and she laughed for a split-second before giving me an elbow jab and telling me to be nice. So this morning she called and reminded me of that and said she thinks that could have been what he meant. And I told my mom that I thought it was funny, but it was also true.

I even found these facts this morning

2013: Flint was named the "most dangerous city in America" by Business Insider in June 2013, based on FBI statistics.

and

Here's a list of the 10 most obese metro areas, with those ranking highest having the greatest obesity rates.

3) Flint, Mich.: 33.9%

So yeah, I do appreciate my mom encouraging me to be nicer, and I think I only quietly said my joke to her, but anyway, to each his own I guess.

Life Thoughts

The service this last Sunday at my church was really great. It was Father's day,and the sermon talked about a man's role to follow God like a son, and lead his family like a man. The four takeaway tips were to 1) reject passivity (have a vision/mission statement for your life); 2) engage with God (besides just Sunday mornings); 3) accept responsibility (stop blaming other and lead/confess/change); 4) lead courageously (have the courage to say no/ask for help). It was really good.

Looking back at my marriage I sometimes feel bad for Andrew. It seems hard to be a 'real man'. Being a Christian man is a big responsibility, and I wonder if being a new Christian with a new job, a new wife, and feeling the weight of trying to be a family leader- I can't help wondering if he felt overwhelmed and if that played a part in the divorce. He said it wasn't, but I honestly don't know how much he actually thought into it. Whatever the reason, I wish he would have been willing to do those things above and not just walk away, but it didn't go that way.

Part of the sermon was a video about a guy in our church who has an amazing story. Some background is him finding Jesus, deciding to stop living with his girlfriend, they both became Christians and are now married with 3 kids, and in September they are moving to India to help rescue women and children out of the slave and sex trade. Who does that?!?! So amazing. The sermon is here (I can't find the video, but the guys story starts at 32:30).

I've been thinking about it ever since.

It's hard because I find myself struggling with wanting the typical 'American dream' of house, family, job... but I just keep thinking about how I want my life to be an adventure and to do something that matters. I want a man that is strong enough to lead me and take me on an adventure with him. And if God doesn't have one for me, I want to be able to love Him enough that I will want what He has for me most of all.

From this aspect being single does seem kind of exciting. I can literally do whatever I want. I am free to go where God takes me. Do whatever He has for me.

It's also scary. I remember reading a book on Joni Eareckson Tada about 6 or so years ago and in her book she prayed and asked God to make her fully trust in Him and increase her faith - and within a week she was paralyzed from the neck down. I remember being so scared and saying I'm never going to pray for that! Now in my own life I have dealt with something I didn't want, and it has been amazing to see how God has provided and led me through. I often find myself praying and just being overcome with how good God has been to me. He is amazing.

Anyway. Now I need to listen to Him and see what it is that these plans are!

...choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15b

Divorce Class

Last weekend I went to my parent's church and after the service one of the ladies came up to me and said "I thought you were going to tough it out with the rest of us." It took me a few seconds to realize she was talking about my marriage. I was really caught off guard and just stammered something like, "I wanted to."

I talked about this comment later in the week with my counselor. In some ways it doesn't matter that people don't know exactly what happened, it's over, it's done, it's not their business anyway. But it does bother me that it was assumed I didn't want to 'tough it out', or whatever, I did, I tried to. I told my counselor I felt like I had to defend myself and I didn't want to throw Andrew under the bus, and he told me, "Andrew is under the bus. But he crawled under there himself." Ouch.

So I'm still doing this divorce class program and we watch a video series and talk about it. Last night's session was "What Does the Owner's Manual Say?". The idea is that since marriage is God's design, we should follow His instructions. My group recommends you go through their program twice, since the first time you are in such a fog, and last night was my second time on that topic. I'm glad I heard this topic again. I think God has been healing me and comforting me that I truly did try, and again, not that I am perfect by any means, but in the end, if someone chooses to leave you - you can't stop them. That's really been sinking in, I am only responsible for my choices. So I felt a lot of peace and even some hope for the future.

I also have been hearing this song quite often and I love it. Remind Me Who I Am - Jason Gray.

When I lose my way, and I forget my name, remind me who I am. In the mirror all I see, is who I don't wanna be, remind me who I am

In the loneliest places, when I cant remember what grace is

Tell me, once again, who I am to You, who I am to You. Tell me, lest I forget, who I am to You, that I belong to You. To You

When my heart is like a stone, and I'm running far from home, remind me who I am. When I can't receive Your love, afraid I'll never be enough, remind me who I am

If I'm Your beloved can You help me believe it

Tell me, once again, who I am to you, who I am to You. Tell me, lest I forget, who I am to you, that I belong to You. To You

I'm the one You love, I'm the one You love. That will be enough, I'm the one You love

Tell me, once again, who I am to you, who I am to You. Tell me, lest I forget, who I am to you, that I belong to You. To You

God loves me so much.

last friday night

There weren't 'too many shots', but there were good times with friends. (and there was a new delicious wine I liked, I'm pretty picky, but muscato --- yum!)

Last week Jill and I had a dinner/game night. I have all kinds of different friends groups: college, the first church I went to, the church I go to now, and then a few randoms. We invited a mix that we thought wouldn't be too many for the tiny condo and had them come over last friday. I made tacos and got to use my new platter thing for all the toppings

We made taco meat, and chicken for fajitas and black beans. I also made an apple crisp for dessert and these amazing chocolate chip cookie bars, with icecream of course.

Someday I hope I have a really nice big kitchen and hang out area so I can invite as many people as I want. We'll see, maybe when I'm making the big nurse bucks...

You can't tell from these pictures, but we really did have a great time playing Catchphrase:

This week has been busy with school. I'm feeling like all I do is study and I still am never caught up. I am looking forward to a lazy weekend (but still with studying, always studying) and a Tiger's party.

Yesterday marked 3 months divorced. Still not quite done with the name change business. They make it so hard, and I've had to do a couple things twice which is irritating. Makes me really think twice on if I would take another last name again. Well, that'd be IF I get married again, and if new husband would want me to take his name. Who knows.

Mostly I have been feeling a lot better, which I can say is ONLY because of the work Jesus has been doing in my heart. But even still there are some days of sadness just as bad as the beginning. This week has actually been a rough one. I heard something that I felt like was a complete opposite answer to prayers I've been praying for months. A teary phone call to my mom helped. She always reminds me that God IS working, we just don't know how. And she reminded me, "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

My divorce class has been on 'depression', I got this email: Guilt, worthlessness, and helplessness may be an integral part of your daily life now. The emotions themselves are not wrong, but the questions you need to ask yourself are Where will I let these emotions lead me? Will I let these feelings bring me down, or will I choose to keep my eyes on Jesus no matter what? Jesus loves you regardless of what you have done, what you look like on the outside, or what you look like on the inside. You can never do anything that will cause Him to love you less. That is amazing. That is God.

So true.

They talked about depression not being bad, or a 'sin', but a natural response to loss. And one that drives you back into Jesus' arms.

"I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss" (Lamentations 3:20 NLT).

"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us... (2 Corinthians 1:8b-10)

And shared this bible story: In the Bible, the prophet Elijah felt so depressed at one point that he wanted to end his life. "Elijah came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. 'I have had enough, LORD,' he said. 'Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.' Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep" (1 Kings 19:4-5). But God had other plans for Elijah. God first cared for Elijah's physical needs and then directed Elijah along a new path for his life.

I kinda feel the same way. God is directing me along a new path for my life. And I keep reminding myself that even though this isn't what I wanted for my life, it happened. God can still use it, and can still use me.

Lessons to Learn

Well I received my first proposal already. My boss said I owe him for telling one of the attorneys in our building to lay off. Apparently he asked him to 'put in a good word' and he said he'd marry me and take care of me. Umm... kind of creepy. I'm still married dude!

Yesterday another attorney came to talk to me and share his sympathy. I appreciated that. He had been divorced and told me that of course I'll be bitter and angry, etc. I did appreciate the honesty and sharing of how it was for him. But part of me thought 'don't put your past on me', I am allowing myself to feel whatever I need to feel - but I won't let those feelings control me. In my divorce class I heard a phrase I loved, 'time doesn't heal everything - Jesus heals everything'. And I am asking Jesus to completely heal my heart and free me from fear, sadness, anger and bitterness. So yeah, I might make a stop along the path, but, by God's grace, I won't stay there!

"I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

I want healing. I never want to be in this place again.

This weekend I'm going up North to a friend's wedding. I am really happy for her. She's been through some trials and it has been amazing to see how God has provided for her, and brought her joy through sorrow. I'm hopeful to see what God will do in my life as well. So I hope it will be good. The last wedding I went to was right after Andrew said he wanted a divorce and I cried the entire time, and one of the events of this weekend will be going to Mackinac Island and the last time I was there Andrew and I blissfully rode around on our bicycle built for two. So it might be hard at times, but I will pack my kleenex and do my best to celebrate in the joyful new beginning for my friend. I really am happy for her.

My counselor says everytime I do something without Andrew I am making a step towards healing. Every family event I go to alone, every holiday spent without him, every time with friends, I am showing myself I can get through this. And so far he's been right.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Beggers CAN be choosers

I watched the show Secret Millionaire this weekend. I like the idea, though it is kind of funny how little they actually give. My hubbs sat next to me on the couch with his calculator and kept telling me according to how much money they have - that they were only giving away 3% and that we give away 10% in our tithe each month! But hopefully it gets those millionaires feeling good about doing good deeds and being more generous, it might inspire them to do more later.

In one section of the show the girl went to volunteer at a homeless kitchen. She went to set down a plate of food in front of a guy and he told her he was a vegetarian and he requested a special plate. Now, I was a vegetarian for about 5 years, and I get that. But really?? You're apparently too poor to buy your own food and are living off the generosity of other people and/or the government and you can't be thankful that you are given food for free? I wish someone would make me free dinners.

So I'm torn, I like this show, but it makes me mad at all the laziness and 'taking advantage-ness' that I saw. Another part of the show people rode around on bikes to find people to donate stuff too. They came across what appeared to be a group of stoners sitting on a beach and gave them free snacks and talked to them. I want free snacks! I want to sit around on a blanket on a sunny beach all day! But instead I have to go to work, to earn money, to buy groceries, and come home and make my own dinner. Life really isn't fair ;)