recent reads

 This was the latest book club read. 

I feel like it's literally been years since I've read something really great. I always finish the book because I'm just that kind of person, but at the end, I'm always just kinda like "meh." Same story with this one. Haven't read anything really amazing since the Mark of the Lion series. 

Doug got me this cookbook from the library.

So far I made pancakes (not as good at my dad's); a cornbread spoonbread that was tasty, but I feel like only I'm eating it; and tonight I made sour cream chicken enchiladas which were ok but had waaaaay too much sauce. Also I'm noticing all her meals have like cups of butter, sour cream, or cheese. It's like does she eat this food and stay a size 4?!?

I haven't uploaded any pics from my phone lately so I guess that's the end of the blog entry today :)

books and movies

In light of the current status of our nation, and simmering for decades, I've been slowly working through articles and books from this anti-racism resource list and I read:

I read it all in one sitting but it was pretty awful. Intense sexual scenes, incest, rape, it was rough. And reading it I'm not sure if that was an "accurate view of race" or just one persons "experience" (it's fiction so it wasn't a real experience anyway.) I don't know, I mostly regret reading it for the images that were in my mind.

The next month our book club read this one:

Jodi Picoult is a pretty safe "good book" bet. This one was an interesting story with the root of something that really did happen at a hospital in Michigan. This was written by a white woman, with extensive research with people of color, so it made me feel like maybe it was a close reflection into white privilege. It had the "N" word in it several times, so I'm hesitant to recommend it. But the story was good. 

I think going forward I will reference from this list, it seems a little more Christian worldview focus. 

It's been a hard time wading through racism. After George Floyd I reached out to a friend for his perspective and recommendations to help me understand. And then later I see on Facebook someone says it's racist to ask people of color for education. I was really upset to see that, and I hope not all people feel like that. It's like, geez, who is better to educate others than the people experiencing it everyday!? And does that person not view that question as love and concern and interest in being better?? That was my intent at least. So that was frustrating, just feels like no matter what, stepping on someones toes. 

The last thing I want to say is that while I 100% believe black lives matter, I also didn't know that "Black Lives Matter" is a specific organization with some beliefs that I personally don't agree with. I guess this organization was founded in 2013 after Trayvon Martin's death; I just didn't know it was a specific group with it's own agenda, and it seems a little misleading to say a phrase, but then some people are pushing their own issues through on it. Anyway, I can't be the only one who thought that. 

It seems like all these resources would be unnecessary if we could all just follow Jesus' command to "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Matthew 22:39. 

I know I'm guilty of not doing that every single day though.

The last thing I recently saw was:

Yes I am very late to the party. I don't really like Lady Gaga so I shied away from this movie, but she was amazing in it. I really liked the first half of the movie, it was so fun to see her come into her talents. But the second half was just sad and I wished it had ended a different way. 

The Redbox pickings have been pretty slim as no one has been making new movies, but it's nice to have more time to be outside and to read anyway.

Thoughts

It's a gray day outside.

August is done with his binky, which also has resulted in the end of naptime (and the start of more difficult bedtimes). So gone is my 1-3 hours of glorious alone time in the middle of the day, time that was often used for laundry, food prep, cleaning- but also time to exercise, do my Bible study, read, or even nap. I am making August do a "quiet time" in his room, where he can sleep, or play, and I see him in the monitor rocking in his chair and "reading" so that is awesome, it just is only like 45 mins to an hour tops. But I'll take it!

Even with less quiet alone time for myself I have been "in my head" a lot recently. Questioning my friendships, my career, my mothering, my purpose. A lot of it has stemmed from reading this book:

Which we received as a wedding gift and am now finally getting around to reading 5 years later!

But it is really good. I'm not finished, but it talks a lot about how marriage is great- and can be God glorifying. But it is not "your purpose" and the end all. Just like being a mom, doctor/lawyer/actress/etc, successful/famous, or any of those other good things are not the end goal. That our purpose is to make disciples. I have been really challenged by that. I do feel like I'm living a very me and family centered life and he talks of how your whole life and every day should be focused around the goal of making disciples. It is very convicting. I have been on a few mission trips, but nothing even in the last 7 years. And I think the last time I shared the gospel was almost 18 years ago (gasp!!) when I was at a student leadership training camp, and even then, my partner did most of the talking! It was really sad to realize that. I hope the way I live my life has been a witness along the way, but it definitely has a loooong way to go.

Anyway, it's led to a lot of thinking. I don't really feel happy at my job. I feel almost 'trapped' there though because I love that it enables me to work just 2 long days, get a decent wage and health insurance for me and the kids, and I only need two days of babysitting for the kids where we are lucky enough to have our parents alternating and Doug doing a day (or 2 if it's the weekend). Any other job I'd be away more days, need more babysitting, and probably make less $. It's just been so busy lately. I feel like I do most of my day in front of a computer charting and less time for the actual patients, and the patients come and go so fast. My last shift I had 9 people over 12 hours and on all those people are: assessments, 3 notes each, medications at all times of the day, various other monitoring: vitals/pain/urinary output/ drain output/ monitoring surgical sites, and other regular shift and hospital admission charting, it's just too much. A lot of days I pray nothing goes wrong because I'm just so worried I'll be busy with someone else I won't even realize someone else is falling through the cracks. It scares me. I am trying to do look on the brightside, with this particular job at least. Like I said, it affords me the ability to be home 5 out of 7 days with my kiddos, which is great, and $ and health ins which are practicalities we need.

So today I went to Etsy and ordered a new badge for my name tag that says "Can I pray for you?" I'm nervous but excited about it. I feel like it's a non-pushy way to be able to offer some of the hope I've found in Jesus in a place where people often are hurting, scared, in pain, and hopeless. And if they don't want prayer they don't even have to even acknowledge my badge. Win/win? I'm hoping that looking at my job more as a part of my mission field might just be the change to make me happy there.

Otherwise life is good. December is always busy. Something on every weekend already and several days of the week. It's busy, but I love seeing all the family and friends. And I love Christmas and giving gifts. I may not be a good gift receiver, but I do like to give and have several little fun presents this year that I'm excited to see people open :)

Our book club also read a good book, much in the style of the Guernsey Literary Potato Peel Society, and I read it in 2 long evenings on the couch. It's funny how I can read some books so quickly and others take months, but I guess that makes sense if there is "meat" to the book and I'm busy highlighting and trying to reflect. Anyway.

A tad predictable, and made me realize I know nothing about WWI. But a good book. Also makes me want to go to Paris :)

life lately

Doug and I had a busy weekend around the house. He'd been laying new linoleum in the laundry room, I just got done vacuuming and baby was napping so I finished reading this book my mom loaned me and I read it pretty much all evening yesterday and finished it this morning.

It was really good, and I'd been in want of a good book for a long time now.

However, it was a book with 2 women experiencing loss, and that is hard to read. I was sobbing several times through this book. One of the two storylines is about 9/11. That event never fails to bring tears to my eyes. I have cried through so many stories, documentaries, etc on that day. It's just so sad. I can't imagine the horror of being trapped in a burning building, or contemplating jumping to my death, or being on the ground looking up and feeling helpless, or running for your life as the building collapsed. So horrible.

I feel like the book did a good job of touching in on this woman's life, and it was a story of love and hope overall.

Much more mundane things have been going around in our neck of life.

This is about all I'm going to get from my garden. I have sadly faced up to the fact that I am a gardening failure.

How do some people end up giving away bushels of zucchini when my 3 plants in the top corner just shriveled and died? And I know it looks dry, but I did water them!

August has been introduced to eating veggies since he turned about 8.5 months. Here he is enjoying some spinach and peas. We went out for Mediterranean lunch yesterday after church and also gave him a bit of hummus and both black and green olives. I think it's good for him to get a variety of flavors. Just because mama doesn't like olives doesn't mean he won't, in fact he seems to like everything he tries.

Our neighbors had us over for a BBQ

August had a few days of horrible sleeping. Seriously he woke anywhere from 15-20x the one night, I lost track. In the morning Doug had left for the couch and went to tell me he was leaving and I had to get up with August who was awake. I literally kicked my legs under the covers having a tantrum, and instead just brought August in to bed. I am not a co-sleeping fan, and had even just read another story of a little 8 week old wiggling down to the mother's knees and smothering under a blanket. I had my hand on August's belly, no blankets on him, and he fell right to sleep. Here was us after we woke up 2 more hours later. Doug was really mad at me though. I seriously felt like I was in some sleep deprivation study though, it is so obvious how people make bad decisions when they are tired. I felt like it wasn't really a big deal, but on the other hand, is a little more sleep really worth the risk, even if small? The next night he woke up less, maybe 10 times, then the next night 5, and then the last 2 nights back to twice. I can see he's getting a couple more teeth, and I think he was having some constipation issues. Which is odd, he still is mainly on breastmilk, takes a probiotic, and the food he is eating is all vegetables. He had a huge poop and hopefully that's behind us. Owie, poor guy.

He's such a sweetie.