The Infamous Stringdusters

Last night after work I drove down to Ann Arbor to meet up with my cousin Sarah. She had invited me to one of the city's free concerts that they put on in the summer. It was a really fun night. First she made a delicious dinner for me: chicken in a balsamic vinegar sauce with fresh rosemary from off her porch, a salad with cranberries, goat cheese, avocado and homemade dressing, toasted cranberry pecan bread, and she even made strawberry smoothie milkshakes for dessert to take with us. What a treat!

After dinner we gathered up our shakes, water and park blankets and headed downtown. She had invited a few of our other cousins that live either in the city or nearby and almost everyone of them came too! So that was really fun.

The band was The Infamous Stringdusters and they were great! They are a bluegrass band, who knew I like bluegrass?! It was really good. I was really glad too that it had cooled down a bit from the 100' weather and there was a nice breeze.

Some pics from the night:

Girl's Group

Some girls from church and I have started a 'girl's group'. We are going through the book Captivating and matching journal. We've been meeting a couple times a month. This last time we decided to do it over dinner. And I got to host. I was excited. Andrew and I used to have people over for dinner quite often and we'd do a game night, and I haven't felt like hosting much without him, so it was good to get back into it.

I made Pesto Pasta Salad with Roasted Asparagus, Beans and Tomatoes (but no olives, yuck). It was good, but I think it did miss some sort of tangy flavor that the olives would have provided.

Mixing the veggies with oil and seasonings to roast

Ta-Da all mixed!

Side of delicious crescent rolls

Brownies with icecream for dessert

And here we are (minus one) all ready to talk about how captivating God has made us :)

Lois's Wedding Weekend

Last weekend was my friend Lois's wedding. It was up north so we drove up Friday night. On Saturday the whole gang took the ferry to Mackinac Island. We rented bikes and rode the 8 miles around the island, stopping for a few pics along the way.

The girls along the shore.

Most of my friends knew what was going on with Andrew and I, and everyone made an effort to include me. I never felt like a third wheel or anything. There was one awkward time when a guy I hadn't seen in awhile asked me where my other half was. For some reason I was thinking he was teasing me about my best friend Liz who had just walked away, and I told him "she just went to find a frisbee". He looked at me awkwardly and then I realized what he had really meant. So I told him, but other than that, no real problems. We spent all afternoon at the island and then went over to the groom's family rental house for a bonfire and hang out.

The next day was Lois's wedding! It had rained all night, but was perfect when we woke up. In the morning, I spent some time sitting on a swing with a friend talking while our friends played frisbee on the hotel lawn. Then some of us got a quick lunch and then headed out to the wedding.

The wedding was beautiful. I cried. But it wasn't anything crazy like that first wedding. I cried as we sang some hymns. Two of my favorites:

I love this verse from Great is Thy Faithfulness: "Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth, Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!" I'm thankful I serve a God who never changes, never fails, and gives me the strength I need for the day and hope for the next.

And another all time favorite, In Christ Alone:

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

And I cried during the vows. It was hard to think about how not too long ago Andrew stood there promising those things to me. I really feel like he meant them at the time.

A couple more wedding pics:

My friend Lois had experienced the loss of someone she loved, and it has been amazing to see how God provided in His faithful lovingkindness and sovereignty. It makes me feel hopeful that there could still be joy in my future too.

Lessons to Learn

Well I received my first proposal already. My boss said I owe him for telling one of the attorneys in our building to lay off. Apparently he asked him to 'put in a good word' and he said he'd marry me and take care of me. Umm... kind of creepy. I'm still married dude!

Yesterday another attorney came to talk to me and share his sympathy. I appreciated that. He had been divorced and told me that of course I'll be bitter and angry, etc. I did appreciate the honesty and sharing of how it was for him. But part of me thought 'don't put your past on me', I am allowing myself to feel whatever I need to feel - but I won't let those feelings control me. In my divorce class I heard a phrase I loved, 'time doesn't heal everything - Jesus heals everything'. And I am asking Jesus to completely heal my heart and free me from fear, sadness, anger and bitterness. So yeah, I might make a stop along the path, but, by God's grace, I won't stay there!

"I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

I want healing. I never want to be in this place again.

This weekend I'm going up North to a friend's wedding. I am really happy for her. She's been through some trials and it has been amazing to see how God has provided for her, and brought her joy through sorrow. I'm hopeful to see what God will do in my life as well. So I hope it will be good. The last wedding I went to was right after Andrew said he wanted a divorce and I cried the entire time, and one of the events of this weekend will be going to Mackinac Island and the last time I was there Andrew and I blissfully rode around on our bicycle built for two. So it might be hard at times, but I will pack my kleenex and do my best to celebrate in the joyful new beginning for my friend. I really am happy for her.

My counselor says everytime I do something without Andrew I am making a step towards healing. Every family event I go to alone, every holiday spent without him, every time with friends, I am showing myself I can get through this. And so far he's been right.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Visit

I saw Andrew the other day when he came over to drop off some stuff. It is weird to see your husband and think the next time you'll see him will be in court when he's divorcing you and then to realize after that you will never see him again. Cannot wrap my head around that. He seems to be doing really good. Which was hard to see too- because I was just rocked. Not that I want him to be miserable forever, I don't, I hope someday he can figure himself out, but again, I just don't understand how it can be so easy for him to walk away. Does not compute. Maybe I'm jealous, because it's so terrible for me!

So yeah. Next morning I took a personal day and went to my parents. Lots of crying, walks, talks with my parents. And day by day I'm getting through this.

I do feel really lucky to have such wonderful family and friends that are so supportive. That has been so helpful.

And of course the real reason I'm not drowned in my bathtub, my true sustainer, a God who loves me more than any husband ever could and who I know will bring me through.

"But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. ... Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

When I was home my mom talked to me about the story of Job. For those not familiar, God and Satan had a bet going that Job would not disown God. So Satan was allowed to do horrible things to Job. He lost everything he had, including all his livestock, his home, all his children died, he lost his health. Moral of the story: Job never blamed God. And in the end, God restored everything to him, made him far richer than before and blessed him with new children and more than he had. And my mom told me something I'd never noticed- that Job never found out why God had allowed that to happen. He never found out it had been a bet between God and Satan. Job just chose to trust God. And I thought that was really relevant to my situation. I might never get any more of a concrete reason from Andrew. I might never know why God allowed this to happen to me. My job is to just trust God.

So I'm trying.

Ordination

Last weekend went really well. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers! I felt some peace and it was a really good time with my family. It was good to see too that most of the 'judgment' I feel is just in me. I judge me for being divorced. And God is still working on me. To be more gracious to others with stuff that is going on in their lives, and still working on me to not be so hard on myself. That's one thing too my counselor has been working on me with. He tells me that just because there is 'no reason', I can't just make that reason be 'me'.

Friday night we stayed with an aunt and uncle that I really love. I love their walk with God, I love their family, I love their hearts. They were sharing how they recently became involved with marriage reconciliation, hosting couples and counselors as the troubled couples do a week long intensive counseling session. These are couples in ministry and we know the devil attacks them extra hard. When they told me about that I cried because my heart too is for reconciliation, and I so want that for Andrew and I. But as I've learned- it takes two to be married, but only one to get divorced.

On Saturday my cousin Peter became ordained as a priest.

His oldest brother is also a priest and it was beautiful to see them together. Two brothers dedicating their lives to God's work.

The laying on of hands

Father Matthew kissing Father Peter's hand, such a humble image

All the priests lined up to hug Peter and welcome him into their brotherhood

I remember Peter once telling me his ministry was to reach people who have been raised in the Catholic faith but have left for some reason or other. It seems I have met so many people in that category, and I love his heart to reach people and bring them back to a God who loves them.

A blessing for a priest: "Loving God be close to your servant Father Peter, as he follows your Son. Guide him in paths that are level and smooth. May your powerful grace make him strong in faith, joyful in hope, and fervent in love, this day and every day to come. We ask this through Jesus Christ, our Lord."

One Month Left

One month from today I will be divorced.

One month left of praying for God to intervene and heal this brokenness.

One month left of wearing my wedding rings.

One month left of saying "I'm married."

One month left of being Mrs. Anne Fowler.

One month left of being Andrew's wife.

One month left of checking the 'married' box.

One month left of praying for Andrew as his wife.

The future still seems kinda scary.

Time seems to fly by when you're praying for reconciliation, and for time for your husband to pause and reconsider. Some days I can't believe God brought me this far already. There were so many days I never thought I'd make it. It is good to see that He is faithful.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. I will build you up again, and you will be rebuilt." Jeremiah 31:3-4

I love this verse and I am clinging to God's promise to rebuild me!