tough day

Today was pretty emotionally exhausting. Doug and I were late to church, we had a bonfire with friends the night before and were just tired. But off we went. The sermon was really good, it was about when Rachel died and her dying wish was to name her son 'sorrow', but Jacob refused and named him Benjamin which meant 'blessing'. Then they played this tear jerker video of a 33 year of man/husband/father who died of colon cancer, all the while proclaiming that God was good even if he lived or died.

It was good. And it reminded me of the many times I claimed that promise in my own life that no matter what happened to me, and my failing marriage, that God was good and He could be trusted, and He was still on His throne.

I had never prayed harder in my life, asking God to save my marriage. But it didn't get saved. And God is still God, and He is still good.

Then there was just terrible news that a friend we love, and had celebrated in her cancer healing, had more cancer. And I just cry every time I think about it. And feel so helpless. But knowing that all I can do is in my prayers give her precious life over to the God who made her.

So yeah. A very teary day.

Then Doug and I had a fight in the car, stupid stuff. And in the end it ended up being a good talk about how the ways we were raised shapes us to think that certain things are "better" when really what's "better" is what is best for us. Our marriage. Our family. It ended up a good talk, but it's hard thinking through all that sometimes.

Later we were laying down and I just started crying again. Sometimes I just hate being alive in this messed up world. We're fighting about stupid stuff like cars and vacations and our friends are sick, and marriages are in trouble, and children are being sold into sex slavery, and people all over the world are being killed. It just seems like anything we do is too small. I feel like even if I went and lived somewhere, it wouldn't be enough, there would always be more sorrows.

Doug reminded me that it does make a difference to that one person's life you did help.

Doug suggested that for the next 40 days we pray about what God has for us, and where we can best serve Him. And then appropriately tonight we went to hear a speaker share on missional/intentional living, where you just become friends with people and share your faith as it comes up. Sounds so easy. But it's hard. I will definitely be praying about this, I feel like already I don't have enough time for established friendships, and to make more time for 'the lost' seems like there would be even less. Although I think one way he does it is to invite everyone. Not a super comfortable idea according to my small groups preference, but a way to see old friends and share authentic living with the new. A way for God to move in those conversations and interactions. Worth praying about.

My mom shared this quote about prayer and I love it

"Christians pray in order that they may arouse themselves to seek Him, that they may exercise their faith in meditating on His promises, that they may relieve their anxieties by pouring them into His bosom; in a word that they may declare that from Him alone they hope and expect, both for themselves and for others, all good things." John Calvin

I think that's so beautiful and so true.

God is still good. I hope and expect good things.