Thoughts

It's a gray day outside.

August is done with his binky, which also has resulted in the end of naptime (and the start of more difficult bedtimes). So gone is my 1-3 hours of glorious alone time in the middle of the day, time that was often used for laundry, food prep, cleaning- but also time to exercise, do my Bible study, read, or even nap. I am making August do a "quiet time" in his room, where he can sleep, or play, and I see him in the monitor rocking in his chair and "reading" so that is awesome, it just is only like 45 mins to an hour tops. But I'll take it!

Even with less quiet alone time for myself I have been "in my head" a lot recently. Questioning my friendships, my career, my mothering, my purpose. A lot of it has stemmed from reading this book:

Which we received as a wedding gift and am now finally getting around to reading 5 years later!

But it is really good. I'm not finished, but it talks a lot about how marriage is great- and can be God glorifying. But it is not "your purpose" and the end all. Just like being a mom, doctor/lawyer/actress/etc, successful/famous, or any of those other good things are not the end goal. That our purpose is to make disciples. I have been really challenged by that. I do feel like I'm living a very me and family centered life and he talks of how your whole life and every day should be focused around the goal of making disciples. It is very convicting. I have been on a few mission trips, but nothing even in the last 7 years. And I think the last time I shared the gospel was almost 18 years ago (gasp!!) when I was at a student leadership training camp, and even then, my partner did most of the talking! It was really sad to realize that. I hope the way I live my life has been a witness along the way, but it definitely has a loooong way to go.

Anyway, it's led to a lot of thinking. I don't really feel happy at my job. I feel almost 'trapped' there though because I love that it enables me to work just 2 long days, get a decent wage and health insurance for me and the kids, and I only need two days of babysitting for the kids where we are lucky enough to have our parents alternating and Doug doing a day (or 2 if it's the weekend). Any other job I'd be away more days, need more babysitting, and probably make less $. It's just been so busy lately. I feel like I do most of my day in front of a computer charting and less time for the actual patients, and the patients come and go so fast. My last shift I had 9 people over 12 hours and on all those people are: assessments, 3 notes each, medications at all times of the day, various other monitoring: vitals/pain/urinary output/ drain output/ monitoring surgical sites, and other regular shift and hospital admission charting, it's just too much. A lot of days I pray nothing goes wrong because I'm just so worried I'll be busy with someone else I won't even realize someone else is falling through the cracks. It scares me. I am trying to do look on the brightside, with this particular job at least. Like I said, it affords me the ability to be home 5 out of 7 days with my kiddos, which is great, and $ and health ins which are practicalities we need.

So today I went to Etsy and ordered a new badge for my name tag that says "Can I pray for you?" I'm nervous but excited about it. I feel like it's a non-pushy way to be able to offer some of the hope I've found in Jesus in a place where people often are hurting, scared, in pain, and hopeless. And if they don't want prayer they don't even have to even acknowledge my badge. Win/win? I'm hoping that looking at my job more as a part of my mission field might just be the change to make me happy there.

Otherwise life is good. December is always busy. Something on every weekend already and several days of the week. It's busy, but I love seeing all the family and friends. And I love Christmas and giving gifts. I may not be a good gift receiver, but I do like to give and have several little fun presents this year that I'm excited to see people open :)

Our book club also read a good book, much in the style of the Guernsey Literary Potato Peel Society, and I read it in 2 long evenings on the couch. It's funny how I can read some books so quickly and others take months, but I guess that makes sense if there is "meat" to the book and I'm busy highlighting and trying to reflect. Anyway.

A tad predictable, and made me realize I know nothing about WWI. But a good book. Also makes me want to go to Paris :)

Happy Easter

Happy Easter, a few days late!

We celebrated Easter the day before by having dinner with Doug's parents. We hid eggs with cheerios and dried berries inside for August. He pretty soon got the hang of it and enjoyed his little treats.

The next day was real Easter and we went to the service at our church. We were a few minutes late and I was annoyed all the Chr/Easters had filled up the main area so we had to sit in the overflow, but then again, our fault for being late, and if you're only going to church twice a year it was a good service to be at, so I'm glad they had good seats. I'm pretty particular about the music for holidays like Easter and Christmas and I tend to want more traditional songs. That's what you get when you're a pipe organ builder's daughter and were raised Lutheran I guess. I'm pretty sure I've talked about it before, but it just doesn't seem like Easter without Lift High the Cross or Jesus Christ is Risen Today. And instead, to my horror, they sang some sort of punk-esque song from a megaphone. But by the end of a moving message and closing it off with a song that of course now I can't remember which one, but it was very tear-inducing at the time, and all over a very good message and Easter morning celebrating the risen Lord!

We headed home and Doug went and took a nap to get rid of a headache, I was on baby lunch-duty, and then made a salad to take to my parent's for Easter dinner. After the boys' naps we headed to my parents' house.

My parents had invited over an elderly man who they said was lonely. And we had a nice dinner together. This guy was interesting, 85 years old and "between wives." He found some lady through online dating "my lady friend" in her 30s and 2 months later they're planning on getting married. Hmmmm. I hope it works out for him! Kinda nervous for him, but he's a stubborn old guy that's for sure.

Doug and I have differing views on these religious holidays. I mentioned next year I wanted to observe Lent and Advent and he said he didn't really want to, "Jesus is alive everyday of the year" and that Lent is just "giving up stuff". But I said it's more the preparing your heart with specific Bible verses and anticipation, to really let the true meanings of Good Friday and Easter sink in. It'd be nice to do together, but I could also do it myself. These days there are so many apps and little devotionals. Last year I had the Advent candles and readings, but we barely ate dinner together that month for work or whatever reasons and never did it at all. Will try again this year!

August's dedication

We'd pretty much been wanting to dedicate August since he's been born, but were in the throes of church hunting. We have been going to our current church pretty much since he's been 2 months old. I wouldn't say it's perfect, but we like the sermons, worship, we just wish there were more opportunities for connection. Anyway, we decided that we should just go for it. We believe in infant dedication, which is a public declaration that we trust our child to the Lord and are committing to raise him to know the Lord and asking for friends/family/church support and accountability. Our biggest prayer for August is that one day he makes his own decision to accept Jesus as his own Lord and Savior and will choose to be baptized to publicly recognize that commitment.

We chose this verse for him:

But you must honor the Lord. You must always serve him with all your heart. Remember the wonderful things he did for you! 1 Samuel 12:24 International Children’s Bible (ICB)

Our families and friends came to be there with us.

Afterwards everyone came over for my Mexican fiesta meal, and mom's delicious oatmeal cake she made for the occasion. Everything was very tasty and it was nice to have our friends company and support :)

moody blues

I was crafting yesterday and I stopped and thought, I feel happy right now. And then I thought about how sad it was that being 'happy' was at home, alone, doing projects, and sad that I don't really feel 'happy' much anymore. I feel like I've been feeling like this for awhile, but nothing really concrete to pin it to. Things with Doug are good, disagreements and bickering (mostly from me) here and there, but no money issues or huge problems, we're working away on our house and it's getting cuter and homey, I do feel overwhelmed at work, but I'm mostly working part-time unless I pick up an extra shift, so I have time off during the week. I just don't know. At home I feel overwhelmed with cleaning, and what to cook. It's a struggle to get my exercise done and I was a person who exercised almost every day. Now sometimes I just lay on the couch for hours. Then some days I'll feel lonely here at the house but when Doug comes home I'm snippy and short tempered. I don't know what is wrong with me.

One thing I think is different is my relationship with God. I remember from my divorce class the leader was saying that one day you were going to look back and miss that time- because it was a time of complete dependence on God and being led and filled by Him. And it's true, I miss that, I miss Him. And I think of those little sayings, 'when you feel far from God it's because you moved, not Him'. And I did. But I want to come back.

One of my favorite verses, James 4:8, Draw near to the Lord and He will draw near to you.

It's starting to wear on me too, our church hunt. I want to be somewhere and get involved. But I do have the time to study my bible now, I just don't do it. But I want to.

It's kinda silly, for years I put on my birthday wish lists that I wanted the NIV study bible. I love the extra behind the scenes information. One year my mom got me the Women's study bible that had mini devotions. Another year she got me the Quest bible that had questions and answers in there. But why not just get me the one I asked for? This year I asked Doug to get it for me, he ordered it and we waited and waited, finally he checked and saw that the order had been cancelled. Am I not meant to have this bible?! I'm just going to order it for myself. And not that this will solve all my problems, but all that extra information makes it easier to understand and I like it, so I'll read more. Hopefully. I think it just comes down to discipline and habit. But I need to- God is the only one who can make me feel fulfilled, purposeful, 'happy', and change my attitude and heart with His love.

Anyway, Doug has been awesome. He helps me around the house when I need help, he's working so hard to make it nicer for me, he hugs me, gives me compliments, assures me of his love. I do feel really blessed.

And I do like crafting and making stuff (even though I'm really just a good 'copier' not an original thinker, and I'm ok with that). I like doing it, and I like making gifts for people.

So on that ever so smooth transition, I made some baby drool bibs yesterday. I have 2 friends having babies and they aren't finding out the gender. Boo! Hard to plan gifts. But I saw these on pinterest or somewhere so I thought I'd make some in case they are boys.

Bought some 'supplies' from the Salvation Army

I got a couple onsies to be the bowtie part of the design, but the knit fabric was jamming my machine. And I got a shirt to cut up, but then I decided I liked it for Doug to actually wear.

so I cut up this thin threadbare one from his closet

bib pattern

used an old towel for the back of the bib

all sewed waiting for the bowtie

used old scrap material for the bowtie and one is done. I think it's pretty cute.

It's been good having more free time during the summer, I have gotten lots of projects done and been able to see people during the day. But in the fall I'll be going back to school (online) for my RN -> BSN so I will be busier, and I do want to make it a habit to study my Bible, and be in an actual study with Doug and other couples, and still have time to cook healthy, exercise, and maintain relationships with family, friends, and of course Doug and I. Maybe part of it is also just learning time management at home and work. Pray for me!

the decision to legalize gay marriage

I was really sad to hear the news about legalizing gay marriage when I was at work last week. It reminded me of in 1 Samuel (8) where the people begged for a king, and God warned the people thru Samuel that he would be a tyrant, and they didn't listen. They begged for a king, and so God gave them what they wanted. And it reminds me of another verse. 2 Timothy 4:3: "For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear." I was also saddened to see the many supportive posts of Christians that I know, and the silence from leaders and pastors. I know at the church we visited, they didn't mention it. I think that is cowardly. Decisions will have to be made at churches if they will perform a gay wedding ceremony. There will be much fall out and consequences from those decisions. I don't think you can just say "love wins" and move on with your day. If you believe the Bible, then you are saying sin is ok. Proclaim it. Support it. Celebrate it. And again, sin is sin in the eyes of God, I struggle with other sin issues, as does every human sinful being, but you can't just say legalize stealing, murder, lying, etc and that will make it ok. Again, an issue where I don't feel I have the words to convey my thoughts. I read many pro/and against articles this weekend, and these were some of the snapshots that I thought worth sharing.

2 Corinthians 4:4: The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

My heart goes out to those who struggle with this issue. I hope they can find the freedom through Jesus to be able to get out of the web of lies and sin.

Addendum:

These are mainly my thoughts based on responses I've seen from self-proclaiming Christians. God's laws are for His followers, and one cannot expect unbelievers to follow them. I also read an interesting article last night that made mention of other sexual sin, example pre-marital sex, which is equal sin in God's eyes, and one that is rampant in our culture, including in many churches and gets hardly any attention compared to the 2% of the population that identify as gay. Sin is sin to God.

Some verses to encourage:

Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

1 Peter 2:9 - But ye [are] a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

Romans 12:1 - I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, [which is] your reasonable service.

2 Corinthians 7:1 - Having therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.

1 Peter 1:16 - Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.

tough day

Today was pretty emotionally exhausting. Doug and I were late to church, we had a bonfire with friends the night before and were just tired. But off we went. The sermon was really good, it was about when Rachel died and her dying wish was to name her son 'sorrow', but Jacob refused and named him Benjamin which meant 'blessing'. Then they played this tear jerker video of a 33 year of man/husband/father who died of colon cancer, all the while proclaiming that God was good even if he lived or died.

It was good. And it reminded me of the many times I claimed that promise in my own life that no matter what happened to me, and my failing marriage, that God was good and He could be trusted, and He was still on His throne.

I had never prayed harder in my life, asking God to save my marriage. But it didn't get saved. And God is still God, and He is still good.

Then there was just terrible news that a friend we love, and had celebrated in her cancer healing, had more cancer. And I just cry every time I think about it. And feel so helpless. But knowing that all I can do is in my prayers give her precious life over to the God who made her.

So yeah. A very teary day.

Then Doug and I had a fight in the car, stupid stuff. And in the end it ended up being a good talk about how the ways we were raised shapes us to think that certain things are "better" when really what's "better" is what is best for us. Our marriage. Our family. It ended up a good talk, but it's hard thinking through all that sometimes.

Later we were laying down and I just started crying again. Sometimes I just hate being alive in this messed up world. We're fighting about stupid stuff like cars and vacations and our friends are sick, and marriages are in trouble, and children are being sold into sex slavery, and people all over the world are being killed. It just seems like anything we do is too small. I feel like even if I went and lived somewhere, it wouldn't be enough, there would always be more sorrows.

Doug reminded me that it does make a difference to that one person's life you did help.

Doug suggested that for the next 40 days we pray about what God has for us, and where we can best serve Him. And then appropriately tonight we went to hear a speaker share on missional/intentional living, where you just become friends with people and share your faith as it comes up. Sounds so easy. But it's hard. I will definitely be praying about this, I feel like already I don't have enough time for established friendships, and to make more time for 'the lost' seems like there would be even less. Although I think one way he does it is to invite everyone. Not a super comfortable idea according to my small groups preference, but a way to see old friends and share authentic living with the new. A way for God to move in those conversations and interactions. Worth praying about.

My mom shared this quote about prayer and I love it

"Christians pray in order that they may arouse themselves to seek Him, that they may exercise their faith in meditating on His promises, that they may relieve their anxieties by pouring them into His bosom; in a word that they may declare that from Him alone they hope and expect, both for themselves and for others, all good things." John Calvin

I think that's so beautiful and so true.

God is still good. I hope and expect good things.

cool things

The other day I looked up from the laptop and saw this outside the window:

That turkey's like hey, whyz this cage around the treatz!?!

Him and his friends were roaming the neighborhood

I feel like I'm out in the wilderness!

I've been working for my dad in his pipe organ shop for a bit before I start at the hospital.

It took us both 8 hours to make this (well, there were 2 of them), and the wood pieces were already cut and everything, just the fitting and gluing.

What my dad does is truly an art. I don't know how I didn't inherit more of his patience. A good reason I should not take over the family business - my organs would be all slopped together. But I'm happy he has a job that really encompasses the talents he's been blessed with.

I saw these Christian conversation hearts at the store, how cool!

I hope this doesn't seem flippant, after talking about conversation hearts, but I read an article about ISIS beheading those 21 Christians in Libya, and it made me cry. Those men refused to deny Christ, and were singing to Jesus as they were killed. It's so heart breakingly beautiful. I really hope if I am ever faced with that, that I would have the courage and grace to stand up for my faith. I can't imagine. Here in the US where we still, as of now, have the freedom of religion, I can't imagine it. And while I haven't denied I'm a Christian, I haven't preached Him or witnessed as well as I should. I know God is so proud of those men, and I'm sure their families are too, and I know they are all in heaven with Him now- but it's really, really terrible. Events like this make me long for heaven.

Anne, R.N.

Today I was all prepared to blog about the nursing job that I got. But I very wasn't excited about it. It had been my last choice of my 3 interviews, but they were the only offer I had, and I was starting to wrap my head around working midnights. Except, this morning I got a phone call the that job I really wanted - wanted me!

I felt really bad making that phone call to tell them, in essence, 'nevermind'. I hadn't started the new job yet, but I did go in yesterday for the pre-employment physical. And I had emailed the manager that I was excited to be part of the team. And honestly I was getting a little excited about it.

But I am more excited to work during the day and to be working for such a great hospital. They say new nurses always get stuck with midnight shift, but that it's good for them too because there is a little more time to spend with your patients and get a handle on what is going on with them. The day can be very busy with tests, meals, families, etc. I just really hope I can do my best and take great care of people. I had originally prayed that I would get just 1 offer so it would be clear, but then I was upset it wasn't the offer I wanted. And just yesterday I had accepted that God had opened the door for me, and decided to make the most of it. And then today, the second offer. So I don't know what to make of it. But Doug and I decided that I wanted day shift eventually, and I wanted that hospital eventually anyway, so if I was being given the option of now vs. eventually - I should take it now. So I did.

There is still a full month before I start orientation though. It would probably be a good idea for me to go over my books some, as now it will be 5 months since I got done with school!

I saw one of those things on facebook the other day about the best career for your Meyers-Briggs personality type

It's a match! I really hope I can be a great nurse.

He is risen!

Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow

Lord, now indeed I find, Thy power and Thine alone, Can change the leper's spots, And melt the heart of stone

Oh, praise the one who paid my debt, And raised this life up from the dead. Oh, praise the one who paid my debt, And raised this life up from the dead

Thank you Jesus!!

This song was on my heart yesterday as we celebrated Easter. I went to my parent's church and celebrated Easter with them. I really like a traditional service on special services and it was a good one. I always love how the pastor says "He is risen" and everyone says back, "He is risen indeed!!" After church Doug's parents came up and had Easter dinner with my parents and us. Mom made super tasty food: cheesy mashed potatoes, asparagus, a standing rib roast, fresh garlic bread, I brought pineapple and this kale salad I made

Doug's parents brought wine and dessert. It was a really nice time. I was noticing our parents have a lot in common. They all sing in the choir, and they have similar faith upbringings. It was really nice. Doug's parents left and then Doug stayed with me, Mom and Dad and we went for a nice walk in this nature preserve area in our town. It was a great day.

And, the Easter bunny who hardly ever visited me as a kid, finally got his act together and brought me a basket!

Saturday was a really nice day too, after work Doug came and we went out on a bike ride. I had packed a picnic dinner and we laid on his snuggie blanket in a sunny field and ate and rested and talked. It was wonderful.

baby thoughts

Today I go into clinical in the afternoon, and I stayed up late last night studying ALL DAY and updating my passwords with keepass so I don't get hacked (thx Joel!)- so this morning I lazed in bed a bit and read some blogs. I started to read my favorite food blog girl's blog, and see a pregnancy announcement. I was excited for her, I've been reading her blog for about 3 years now, and even though she blogs mostly about her delicious recipes and not so much about her life, I guess you still kinda imagine bloggers as your friends and you get curious about their lives. So I was excited to see that.

At the same time it just made me think about my life. I've wanted to be a wife and mom as long as I can remember. And while I have grown A TON in this aread and realize that's not my "purpose" in life, it's still something I hope for. I always dreamed I'd graduate from college, get married, have several years going on trips with my husband and establishing our marriage, and then have 3 kids. .... Instead my life has been very different from those young dreams. It's taken me forever to decide on a career, I'll now graduate at 33 and will still go right back for my RN -> BSN, I never ever planned on a divorce, and who knows if I will be even able to have children.

Before I start sounding too depressing, I do want to say I am thankful for the lessons God has taught me through this life. This life that isn't how I imagined, but it's surprising, and blessed, and beautiful to see how God has brought me through pain and sorrow and continues to lead me and show me how much He loves me.

(Read these verses while listening to this awesome song they played yesterday at my church baptism Sunday, (and praise God for 11 people who decided to give their lives to Jesus!!!))

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:8

I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Psalm 116:1-2

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6-7

I was also thinking about the Bible verse Jeremiah 29:11 about how God has good plans for us, (which I know is true), but it one of the most often mis-used verses. That verse was specifically for His people Israel after the Babylonians sacked the city, and God promised restoration to those people - BUT on His timetable, not theirs, and probably not in the way they were hoping for. This is a beautiful verse of God loving and taking care of His people, but I need to be careful not to read it as God the vending machine doling out gifts. Please read this article which is much more eloquent and clear than I will ever be. And I will also quote a paragraph here:

With that in mind, it's noteworthy that God speaks in Jeremiah 29:13–14 and says, “You will find me, if you seek me with all your heart … and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you.” The blessing (the restoration) is directly tied to being in right relationship with God. And being in right relationship flows from seeking “with all your heart.”

But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 4:29

My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, Lord, I will seek. Psalm 27:8

Church and Food

I wish I had more time for blogging, I like it. And now all my posts just turn into randomness instead of a nice theme... oh well.

Last week I went to Doug's church, he's been to mine several times so it was time. He'd warned me that they are a little more 'expressive', but I totally loved it. The singing worship part was almost an hour long, and if you're like me, that's a good thing. It reminded me of InterVarsity days where we would just sing and feel how the Spirit led and not be on a strict time crunch. Songs that I've heard and sung before, but that morning it really struck me and I cried at least two different times. We sang Your Love Never Fails and these words mean so much to me now after the last few years I've been through "There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning", "And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid, because I know that You love me, Your love never fails", "You make, all things, work together for my good." I just found myself crying in thankfulness and awe about how good God has been to me, and after a year and more of painful days and nights, I can truly see that He has worked all things together for my good and I feel joy once again.

Next we sang this song that I completely love for like 20 minutes, haha. It has such great words too, and I cried again singing these words "My God is Awesome, He can move mountains, Keep me in the valley, Hide me from the rain. My God is Awesome, Heals me when I'm broken, Strength where I've been weakened, Praise His Holy Name." Once again I just felt so humbled by how good God is, He hid me in the shadow of His wings, and He healed my broken heart. I'm so thankful.

So yeah, it was really good.

After church we went up to my parents for lunch and sledding. I'll spare you the picture of Doug's nosehair-sicles, haha. And even under mom's tutalage, I failed yet again trying to start an IV :(

Monday I watched the Bachelor with my friend Liz and she made me a super good stirfry.

I made my own later in the week, not like Liz's, but the sauce was actually pretty good, I was proud of myself.

So then I've been getting ready for today's exam. I was cursing myself because here I was home alone in a quiet house and instead of studying I kept reading blogs and, of course, baking cookies

I keep making this recipe for vegan chocolate chip cookies, which somehow I'm telling myself are 'healthy', but they still have sugar, white flour and oil. So I don't know what I'm thinking. But they are tasty.

Then I finally got down to studying

It must have been enough because I got 94%, but I just need to be more efficient with my time.

And, a heating update: I called the landlord guy that day, he came and said the valve thing was sticking but he could see it was working. So for 2 days it was back to an appropriate temperature and no creaks! But then the heat started creeping back up. So I called again and he said he was going to get the guy out here to replace the pipe/valve in the basement, and today I see

And now the heat is set at 70 and it is 70 in here! And hopefully the creaks will be a thing of the past.

Divorcesary

Praise the LORD, all you nations; extol him, all you peoples. For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Praise the LORD. Psalm 117:1-2

It has been one year. Wow.

One year ago today I stood in front of a judge and listened as Andrew asked that he be granted a divorce. I listened to him say there was no hope for our marriage to be saved. I heard the bang of the gavel as my marriage was terminated. In the elevator on the way down I took off my wedding rings and put them into my purse. Then I stood in front of the courthouse and waved goodbye to Andrew. And I haven't seen or heard from him since.

That last part is still so strange. I still wonder sometimes how he could have done this. I wonder if he looks at the calendar today and realizes, or if it has all just been the 'relief' he thought he would find.

Last year as I was dreading the looming divorce, I read something about women throwing divorce parties and I felt really sad to read that. I will never celebrate Andrew choosing to end our marriage. But I WILL celebrate my God and all the good He has worked through this.

I remember so many days thinking my future was bleak and hopeless.

This year has been an amazing testimony of how GOOD God is. And how great is His faithfulness.

I remember so many times my mom would ask me "do you trust God?" and I would answer that I didn't know anymore. I wanted to, and in my mind I did, but my heart was fearful. This year has eased that fear, and I can confidently say 'yes, I trust God.'

A college friend was sharing earlier this week about the Jews passage through the desert as they journeyed from Egypt to the promised land, and said, the desert is a place of suffering but it is also a place where God meets us. He was asking me if I could share about 'my time in the desert'. I do feel like God met me in the desert and led me through, and I am so thankful. So many things helped me during this time. My family, my mom who called me nearly every day, my friends, my divorce group, my counselor Stan, my church; but mostly my savior. There were also so many helpful books and messages that spoke to my heart. One church sermon I remember said that in the storm our response is to wonder where God is. But God is in the storm, He knows what He is going to do, and He's coming to find me. On the other side of the storm we will have more faith than we did before. I think this does apply to me, and I'm so glad He came to find me.

I am so thankful to God for all His wonderful blessings to me. Thank you to everyone who has stood by me in this storm, and prayed for me, and listened, and helped me up when I would fall. Thank you.

life lately

I went to my counseling yesterday, filled in Stan about my date and this busy month. He was really proud of me going on a date, he reminded me that 3 months ago I said I couldn't imagine ever dating, and now I've been out there and actually had a good time. We talked about how I do feel afraid of being 'sucked in' to something that might not be good just because someone might seem so fun and funny- but not necessarily good in the right ways. I'm sure I would figure it out eventually, but it is always so hard to break up with people - and I would rather do it earlier than later. Sometimes I wonder how I look from Stan's chair. He said he was proud of me, and that I did really good with what I said to that guy, and that I'm not operating out of 'neediness'. I do feel like I'm growing and learning, and moving on. And I'm ready. It's been a year and 7 months now, dealing with everything, and will be officially 1 year divorced this month.

I still hate that I am divorced. But I love what God has done in my life because of it.

I've been getting these daily divorce emails from the divorce group I was a part of and today was 365 days. Time flies. God has been so good to me, and I share the email girl's voice, "My Father loves me, and He’s reaffirmed it in a thousand ways. I know that I’m going to live. I’m not just going to get by, but I’m going to live victoriously." And again, I'm so thankful.

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.Zephaniah 3:17

ARISE! Shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you! Isaiah 60:1

I am so thankful for my amazing family and friends and support group too. I've been busy since coming home from Guatemala, my room is a complete disaster. But I've been too busy having fun! I went away on a girl's sleepover trip Monday night, spent the next day with them and at the outlet mall.

It was great to see out of town friends, we had so many laughs and time to catch up. Then I got a call from a friend who had an extra ticket to F.U.N. so I zipped over there, parked across the street and ran in since I didn't have any parking money, and sat on the lawn listening to music. It was perfect! Tonight I'm hanging out with my co-worker, and then Thursday a dinner hang out with those out of town friends again. This weekend I can relax, and then next week my sister is coming into town for the wedding!!

It's busy, but it is wonderful to have such good people in my life. I told Stan last night I feel 99% back to my original self, and I feel loved, and happy, and blessed, and thankful. Thank you Lord.

Guatemala Trip

I'm home!

I got in yesterday evening after a long day of traveling. But I am mostly unpacked, re-packed for my girl's night tonight, and facebook pictures have been uploaded :)

This is El Tesoro (well the school in El Tesoro). It is a village that was created by the government for the indigenous Guatemalans that were displaced at the end of their 30 year civil war. 200k of the poor Mayan Guatemalans were killed, compared to 40k of the wealthier Guatemalans that took their land. These buildings are the school buildings that partially the government build, and Circle of Love (my aunt's medical mission organization) built.

It was a good, busy week.

We started out in Antigua and then went out everyday to El Tesoro about an hour by bus. Everyday we held a morning and afternoon clinic with a break in between for lunch. The government so generously put these poor people pretty much out in the middle of nowhere and it was very hot and muggy everyday. But it was beautiful. The lands were green (rainy season!) and there were hills and creeks, and volcanoes, and fields of sugarcane and pineapples. I did not know pineapples grew on the ground!

Everyday I set up my little station of getting people's names and ages. And then I would take the adults blood pressure, and their pulses and all the pulses of their kids. Out of 225+ some patients, I think I had like 3 with high blood pressure. So that was good. Most peoples' were so low I was wondering how they weren't fainting away. And the kids were so cute as they would shyly stick out their little wrists to me.

The missionaries have been working down there with the Guatemalans for 13 years now. I was so impressed with them and their dedication to these people. The guy told me he has seen tremendous things happen in their village over the years thanks to Jesus. I guess some of the people were at one time warring Mayan tribes, and now there is a lot of unity. That was awesome.

As soon as I was done getting everyone going, I'd go sit in my aunt's room and observe her. Before the trip I asked her what she was going to do specifically, and she said: "see the patients and lead them to the Lord" and that is exactly what she did.

Here we are during a wart removal. This lady had warts all over her leg. The girl in the middle is an American who has lived down there for 3 years teaching in the school English and Bible. I was really impressed with her, she was a huge help translating. I spent a lot of time as a 'surgical tech' this trip getting all the supplies ready for my aunt. And here I am fanning her, there is nothing worse than trying to do something and sweating. I know I hate that anyway. I felt embarrassed a lot when I'd try to take someone's blood pressure and I was dripping sweat. At least they were too, but it was gross.

We ended up a team of 12 and there were a lot of really great people on the trip. 1 doctor (my aunt), 2 nurse practitioners, 1 nurse, 1 nursing student (me), 1 pharmacist, a pastor and his daughter, and then just other people that wanted to come. It was great to see how quickly we were able to work together and every person had qualities that really added value to the trip and the work. It was great.

And there was time for fun too.

I'm really SO thankful I was able to be a part of this trip. We saw 408 patients, and 201 accepted Jesus. Awesome!! Thank you to everyone for supporting me and joining with me in prayer!

Guatemala

Tomorrow morning at 6am I fly out to Guatemala!

I'm excited for the trip, a bit nervous and hoping I won't be too bumbling and not helpful, but that it will be a really good experience and a chance to impact and help some people that need it.

I'm going to share this prayer request from my aunt who runs the organization:

On Saturday, a team of 12 from Circle of Love Foundation will be heading our to Guatemala where we will partner with Andrew and Becky Loveall in a medical outreach. We will once again be going to the war refugee village of El Tesoro to provide a free medical clinic. Half our team will be veteran participants and half will be first time team members with Circle. I love new members because they see everything with fresh eyes and are so enthusiastic. Please pray for them as they adjust to new conditions. May God give them grace not only for the necessary cultural adjustments but also to open there eyes to the needs and opportunities around them That God would show them their own destiny in His kingdom.. Please pray that the patients what we treat will feel the love of God flowing through us and will be drawn into a closer relationship with God. Pray that those who have never know Jesus as Savior will take this opportunity to be reconciled to God. Please pray for Andrew and his team on the ground. Two very large team have just left and they are tired going into this outreach==but very happy with what has been accomplished. Please remember that this is the double salary month for Andrew where he is required by Guatemalan law to pay double salaries. Please pray for smooth travel for the team, a quick encounter with customs when we declare our medicine, and freedom from sickness or injury for all team members.

I would appreciate prayer very much over the next 9 days as I'm gone and for the people to receive healing and Jesus!

Church yesterday

Yesterday at church the worship band played this new song Oceans (Where Feet May Fail). Oh my gosh. Amazing. Some of the words really stuck out to me "You've never failed me- and you won't start now," "Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me," "Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander". I already feel like God really speaks to me through worship and the words of songs like this really hit home. Of course I thought about this past year and I just kept thinking about how good God has been to me. Those words are so true. So of course I'm crying and sniffling by the end of the song, and it's like just make it to the car!

The sermon too was on miracles and the pastor talked about how we have to trust that God is good and His plans are good, even if we have to climb the mountain instead of the mountain being moved. He knows the race marked out before me, and He will help my feet not to fail. (Heb.12:1)

For me, God didn't move the mountain. He loves Andrew so much that He allowed him to make his own choice, God would not overstep Andrew's will. And although that meant the end for our marriage, I love that about God.

But God also didn't leave me there, He gave me the ability to climb over the mountain, He carried me. He never failed me. He called me into deeper waters than my feet would ever have wandered by myself. Where I had been 'content' in my relationship with God, being divorced brought me to a place of absolute brokenness, hurt, fear, rejection- a place of needing God more than anything else. My faith has been made stronger and I'm so thankful for the good that God has brought out of the brokenness.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands. Psalm 138:8

Guatemala

I'm going!

My aunt runs a missions organization that does medical missions throughout the world. I have been supporting her for several years, and have wanted to go on a trip with them - but also wanted to be useful :) When I finally got into nursing school I told my aunt that I could come on a trip when I graduated - and she told me to come this summer!

I hemmed and hawed and prayed about it. I wanted to make sure God was leading me, and I wanted to make sure I didn't fail out of nursing school first!

Then on Monday I got an email saying the application deadline was coming up and I needed to send half the money in the next 2 weeks. Yikes! So I wrote up a support letter and sent it off. The next day my aunt sent me an email saying all my money had been raised! Huh?? That was fast! Praise God! It was very exciting and felt like a confirmation that God really is leading this.

For my prayer partners out there, please pray for me July 6-14th when I will be in Guatemala. And please pray now for the hearts of the people that our team will come in contact with, that they will be open and thirsty for truth. “As we work to alleviate human suffering, God works to open the hearts of those served so that they might understand the Gospel of Jesus Christ.”

Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. Matthew 9:35

Last Divorce Class

Last night was my last divorce class. The session was "Moving On, Growing Closer to God". It was actually the third time I heard this lesson, SO good.

Since I was 'graduating' the class the leaders asked us to share about what this program has meant to us. So I shared. This program has been an amazing resource and so helpful as I have unfortunately had to walk down this path. I started going right after he filed, and now here I am 6 months later. I survived! I look back and I see someone who was fearful, hopeless, full of misery. I remember one night after some really cruel things were said, I just left the apartment sobbing and walked to the train tracks. (and then walked home obviously) but I just remember just feeling utter hopelessness and despair.

The class was always focused on Jesus. How much He values and loves me. (Lk. 12:24/Zph. 3:17/Gal. 2:20) How He is still in control. (Is. 45:7/ Mt. 10:29) How He has good plans, plans for a hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11) How He can use what is meant for evil - for good. (Rom. 8:28) I really loved last night's class. I know I talked about it before, but I love some of the wisdom from the video, "my purpose in life is not to be married, that is just a stop along the way, God has a bigger purpose for me". And, "don't let your spouse take your purpose out the door with them."

I just really love how this group has encouraged me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. To let Him heal me. To make Him the center of my life. And to forgive.

I don't know what it is. The year+ of counseling, the 9 months of divorce class, the love and prayers and support of amazing friends and family, or just the power of Jesus to change lives. But I do feel changed. I feel hope. I feel peace. I feel joy. And I am so thankful.

I will exalt you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit. Sing to the Lord, you saints of his; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:1-5.

Divorce Class

Psalm 116:1-2 “I love the LORD, because He hath heard my voice and my supplications. Because He hath inclined His ear unto me, therefore will I call upon Him as long as I live.”

What a wonderful verse. I got this verse in an email this morning. I took a break from my divorce class over the holidays and when my family was in town, but I went back last night. I want to finish out the rest of my session. (They have a phase 2 which I am tempted to join - but I'm just thinking with sooo much homework I really should only do something one night a week, and if I only have one free night, I'm leaning more towards a small group with my church).. we'll see... it has been really helpful.

Anyway, they always ask if anyone wants to share. I don't think I've shared since my first few times there, but last night I shared. I just shared about how I feel God has been so faithful to me. That's why I love the verse above- God heard me, He inclines His ear to me. God is so good, I love Him. I told them how last new year's eve I had just been told that my husband wanted a divorce, but this new years, I was in the exact same house at a party, exactly a year later, and I just could not stop marveling that it had been a whole year. So many days I thought I would never make it to the next day - but yet God brought me through an entire year. It was a big step for me. And even though it hasn't been good, it has been really good. And I wanted to give a glimpse of hope to anyone at the group who felt like I did, because through Jesus there is healing and hope. Mind you, I still have plenty of sad days and think about him more than I would like to, but any healing, and any hope- which I also thought I'd never have again, is because of Jesus.

So yeah, God is good.

I do miss blogging. Only one week back in school and super busy already. We have 3 exams in the next 4 weeks. I go in the hospital next week and am nervous about that too. But one day at a time!

Compliment?

At work we're working on a strange case that is becoming more movie plot-esque by the day. A lady is pretty much being harrassed by the police and I was in my boss's office brainstorming of ways we can possibly help her more practically than by just working on her in-progress lawsuit.

My boss looked at me and said, "the thing that is so charming about you is you live in a different world; there's Anne's world and then there's reality".

I'm not sure if that was meant as a compliment or not, he was smiling, but while pretty much telling me I'm oblivious.

Anyway, I took it as a compliment. I do dream of a world where people are good and have purpose and love each other. But yeah, that world probably doesn't fully exist this side of heaven. Even if people are "good" we all still fall short.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23

Even so, God still calls us to do good.

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21

And He gives us the ability to do so.

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

And even when it seems too hard, we can be confident God will win the battle for this world.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33