Friday, August 21, 2015
I was crafting yesterday and I stopped and thought, I feel happy right now. And then I thought about how sad it was that being 'happy' was at home, alone, doing projects, and sad that I don't really feel 'happy' much anymore. I feel like I've been feeling like this for awhile, but nothing really concrete to pin it to. Things with Doug are good, disagreements and bickering (mostly from me) here and there, but no money issues or huge problems, we're working away on our house and it's getting cuter and homey, I do feel overwhelmed at work, but I'm mostly working part-time unless I pick up an extra shift, so I have time off during the week. I just don't know. At home I feel overwhelmed with cleaning, and what to cook. It's a struggle to get my exercise done and I was a person who exercised almost every day. Now sometimes I just lay on the couch for hours. Then some days I'll feel lonely here at the house but when Doug comes home I'm snippy and short tempered. I don't know what is wrong with me. One thing I think is different is my relationship with God. I remember from my divorce class the leader was saying that one day you were going to look back and miss that time- because it was a time of complete dependence on God and being led and filled by Him. And it's true, I miss that, I miss Him. And I think of those little sayings, 'when you feel far from God it's because you moved, not Him'. And I did. But I want to come back. One of my favorite verses, James 4:8, Draw near to the Lord and He will draw near to you. It's starting to wear on me too, our church hunt. I want to be somewhere and get involved. But I do have the time to study my bible now, I just don't do it. But I want to. It's kinda silly, for years I put on my birthday wish lists that I wanted the NIV study bible. I love the extra behind the scenes information. One year my mom got me the Women's study bible that had mini devotions. Another year she got me the Quest bible that had questions and answers in there. But why not just get me the one I asked for? This year I asked Doug to get it for me, he ordered it and we waited and waited, finally he checked and saw that the order had been cancelled. Am I not meant to have this bible?! I'm just going to order it for myself. And not that this will solve all my problems, but all that extra information makes it easier to understand and I like it, so I'll read more. Hopefully. I think it just comes down to discipline and habit. But I need to- God is the only one who can make me feel fulfilled, purposeful, 'happy', and change my attitude and heart with His love. Anyway, Doug has been awesome. He helps me around the house when I need help, he's working so hard to make it nicer for me, he hugs me, gives me compliments, assures me of his love. I do feel really blessed. And I do like crafting and making stuff (even though I'm really just a good 'copier' not an original thinker, and I'm ok with that). I like doing it, and I like making gifts for people. So on that ever so smooth transition, I made some baby drool bibs yesterday. I have 2 friends having babies and they aren't finding out the gender. Boo! Hard to plan gifts. But I saw these on pinterest or somewhere so I thought I'd make some in case they are boys. Bought some 'supplies' from the Salvation Army I got a couple onsies to be the bowtie part of the design, but the knit fabric was jamming my machine. And I got a shirt to cut up, but then I decided I liked it for Doug to actually wear. so I cut up this thin threadbare one from his closet bib pattern used an old towel for the back of the bib all sewed waiting for the bowtie used old scrap material for the bowtie and one is done. I think it's pretty cute. It's been good having more free time during the summer, I have gotten lots of projects done and been able to see people during the day. But in the fall I'll be going back to school (online) for my RN -> BSN so I will be busier, and I do want to make it a habit to study my Bible, and be in an actual study with Doug and other couples, and still have time to cook healthy, exercise, and maintain relationships with family, friends, and of course Doug and I. Maybe part of it is also just learning time management at home and work. Pray for me!