Thursday, November 29, 2012
aka the complainey and probably TMI post I really miss my old car. It was so no-fuss. If it didn't start it was easy to know what was wrong, either the battery or starter. This new car has a lag before it starts and I can't figure it out. And random lights are staying on on the dashboard panel. The airbag light and the emergency brake. Why?? The e-brake is not on, and the brake fluid is full. And who knows about the airbag. The guy at Ford yesterday told me it'd be $184 just to do the indicator tests, not even to fix anything. Sigh. I talked to my brother a few weeks ago about taking some car mechanics classes after nursing school and this settles it. Why should I pay so much money for a test that is probably super easy to do, I just don't know what it is. I miss my kitchen stuff. While I'm really thankful to be able to stay with my friend for a year I really miss my stuff. I hate her cheap toaster that consistently burns my toast no matter what setting I put it on. I miss my bed. It seemed like the fair thing to let Andrew take it since I knew I was moving in with a friend into a small room, and it would have been chewed up by mice if I hoarded it in the barn until I could afford to have my own place again. But I miss it. It was so big and soft and wonderful. I miss my apartment. I don't know why it seems to be my lot in life to have a bedroom that is constantly right next to a outside spotlight that glows brighter than the sun. Even with double-"light blocking"-curtains it is still super bright in my room. But at least the apt was quiet, the condo has some heating thing that clicks and bangs and gurgles. It's been weeks of terrible sleep. And of course I miss Andrew. My counselor has been talking to me about anger again. Asking me why I 'protect' Andrew and refuse to see him for who his character has proven him to be. I don't know. My church has been doing a series on Adam, and about men. And it's been super hard for me. I was in our marriage too and I saw a man who loved me, protected me, cherished me. I witnessed, I don't know the word, 'manly growth', in him, maturity, I saw him growing in his walk with God. I trusted him, respected him, believed in him. And when I remember him, I remember that man. The one who I loved and who loved me. Why can't my brain accept that person is long gone? I hadn't seen a trace of him since new year's eve. This Andrew is a person who told me he didn't love me, along with a lot of other really hurtful things. This Andrew broke his vows to God and to me. This Andrew abandoned me and never looked back. My counselor says I should be angry, but I don't know, I just still feel mainly sad. And even though his true character has been revealed, I still wonder if the Andrew I knew is in there somewhere. Is he truly a complete 180 of himself, or is he just out there calling someone else his love and his perfect match, and loving and protecting her? I don't know. I truly do want him to live a full and satisfying life. It's just still hard to be on this side of still not really knowing 'why' that couldn't have been with me. I know I shouldn't miss him, but I miss him all the same.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Ah, Thanksgiving break, what a w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l long weekend it was. Thanksgiving day I only had to make Cranberry Wild Rice to take to my grandma's. The recipe called for a can of of cranberries, but since that is pretty much a can of high fructose corn syrup, I made my own.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
This weekend was another busy good one. On Friday I went to dinner at a friend's house. She is an amazing cook. She made lentil potato soup, a salad (with more than just lettuce- like my typical 'salad') topped with these uh-maze-ing homemade croutons, and then roasted veggie sandwiches smeared with goat cheese. And then german chocolate cupcakes for dessert. So spoiled. And she sent me home with more food too. my friends!) >:( (altho I think I used the whole box of pasta, and it only asks for 8oz.) Operation Christmas Child box. My friend's church did that this year and I made a box for her to turn in for the kid's around the world. The loot:
Friday, November 16, 2012
Last weekend I went to my parent's church and after the service one of the ladies came up to me and said "I thought you were going to tough it out with the rest of us." It took me a few seconds to realize she was talking about my marriage. I was really caught off guard and just stammered something like, "I wanted to." I talked about this comment later in the week with my counselor. In some ways it doesn't matter that people don't know exactly what happened, it's over, it's done, it's not their business anyway. But it does bother me that it was assumed I didn't want to 'tough it out', or whatever, I did, I tried to. I told my counselor I felt like I had to defend myself and I didn't want to throw Andrew under the bus, and he told me, "Andrew is under the bus. But he crawled under there himself." Ouch. So I'm still doing this divorce class program and we watch a video series and talk about it. Last night's session was "What Does the Owner's Manual Say?". The idea is that since marriage is God's design, we should follow His instructions. My group recommends you go through their program twice, since the first time you are in such a fog, and last night was my second time on that topic. I'm glad I heard this topic again. I think God has been healing me and comforting me that I truly did try, and again, not that I am perfect by any means, but in the end, if someone chooses to leave you - you can't stop them. That's really been sinking in, I am only responsible for my choices. So I felt a lot of peace and even some hope for the future. I also have been hearing this song quite often and I love it. Remind Me Who I Am - Jason Gray. When I lose my way, and I forget my name, remind me who I am. In the mirror all I see, is who I don't wanna be, remind me who I am In the loneliest places, when I cant remember what grace is Tell me, once again, who I am to You, who I am to You. Tell me, lest I forget, who I am to You, that I belong to You. To You When my heart is like a stone, and I'm running far from home, remind me who I am. When I can't receive Your love, afraid I'll never be enough, remind me who I am If I'm Your beloved can You help me believe it Tell me, once again, who I am to you, who I am to You. Tell me, lest I forget, who I am to you, that I belong to You. To You I'm the one You love, I'm the one You love. That will be enough, I'm the one You love Tell me, once again, who I am to you, who I am to You. Tell me, lest I forget, who I am to you, that I belong to You. To You God loves me so much.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
delicious butter chicken. Ok, seriously, if anyone reads this blog and has not gotten this yet - you are only cheating yourself. I have blogged over and over about how delicious it is. And no, I don't work for Kitchens of India... but I would love to... anyway, and don't think 'oh I'll never use all 6 packs' because you will, you will. I added my usual chopped broccoli and yummy, so good.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
My brother was in town last weekend! I feel like I looked forward to it all month, and it was over so fast. But good times, good talks, great laughs. I went to stay at my parent's house for the weekend and mom made all Joel's favorite meals, we watched movies, jumped in huge leaf piles, talked and did some work. Joel came to help my parents chop and cut up logs from our woods for their wood-burning stove. I was exempt from most of the labor to study for my first nursing exam. I did take a couple breaks to work on my wreath:
Friday, November 9, 2012
Last night Jill and I and some co-workers went to see Madonna in concert. My boss represents a company that does the security for her and other big name concert people so he hooked us up with some tickets. I would really LOVE to see someone like Pinback, Modest Mouse, or Broken Bells, but he doesn't represent anyone like that. So Madonna it was. I do really like some of her old stuff- Holiday (favorite), Vogue, What it Feels Like for a Girl, Like a Prayer. Jill was super excited and has asked me for months about the status of our tickets! The cause for such frequent asking is that we weren't actually issued paper tickets months ago, we had to go to the "Madonna Friends and Family" line at the will-call and we got our tickets and wristbands for 'the golden triangle' area in front of the stage.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Oh my gosh, 3 weeks into classes and already all I ever do is study. Stress! Our first day of class our professor told us that there are people in the room whose marital statuses won't be the same 2 years from now as they are today, I secretly thought that it couldn't get any worse for me, but in general I thought that was a terrible thing to say to a room full of hopeful young nurses (and also hopefully people whose marriages will have some extra grace and patience shown to each other these next 2 years!) Here are some pics from cooking two weekends ago, or last week, who even knows, it's all starting to blur together: