Thursday, November 29, 2012
Things I Miss
aka the complainey and probably TMI post I really miss my old car. It was so no-fuss. If it didn't start it was easy to know what was wrong, either the battery or starter. This new car has a lag before it starts and I can't figure it out. And random lights are staying on on the dashboard panel. The airbag light and the emergency brake. Why?? The e-brake is not on, and the brake fluid is full. And who knows about the airbag. The guy at Ford yesterday told me it'd be $184 just to do the indicator tests, not even to fix anything. Sigh. I talked to my brother a few weeks ago about taking some car mechanics classes after nursing school and this settles it. Why should I pay so much money for a test that is probably super easy to do, I just don't know what it is. I miss my kitchen stuff. While I'm really thankful to be able to stay with my friend for a year I really miss my stuff. I hate her cheap toaster that consistently burns my toast no matter what setting I put it on. I miss my bed. It seemed like the fair thing to let Andrew take it since I knew I was moving in with a friend into a small room, and it would have been chewed up by mice if I hoarded it in the barn until I could afford to have my own place again. But I miss it. It was so big and soft and wonderful. I miss my apartment. I don't know why it seems to be my lot in life to have a bedroom that is constantly right next to a outside spotlight that glows brighter than the sun. Even with double-"light blocking"-curtains it is still super bright in my room. But at least the apt was quiet, the condo has some heating thing that clicks and bangs and gurgles. It's been weeks of terrible sleep. And of course I miss Andrew. My counselor has been talking to me about anger again. Asking me why I 'protect' Andrew and refuse to see him for who his character has proven him to be. I don't know. My church has been doing a series on Adam, and about men. And it's been super hard for me. I was in our marriage too and I saw a man who loved me, protected me, cherished me. I witnessed, I don't know the word, 'manly growth', in him, maturity, I saw him growing in his walk with God. I trusted him, respected him, believed in him. And when I remember him, I remember that man. The one who I loved and who loved me. Why can't my brain accept that person is long gone? I hadn't seen a trace of him since new year's eve. This Andrew is a person who told me he didn't love me, along with a lot of other really hurtful things. This Andrew broke his vows to God and to me. This Andrew abandoned me and never looked back. My counselor says I should be angry, but I don't know, I just still feel mainly sad. And even though his true character has been revealed, I still wonder if the Andrew I knew is in there somewhere. Is he truly a complete 180 of himself, or is he just out there calling someone else his love and his perfect match, and loving and protecting her? I don't know. I truly do want him to live a full and satisfying life. It's just still hard to be on this side of still not really knowing 'why' that couldn't have been with me. I know I shouldn't miss him, but I miss him all the same.