Visit

I saw Andrew the other day when he came over to drop off some stuff. It is weird to see your husband and think the next time you'll see him will be in court when he's divorcing you and then to realize after that you will never see him again. Cannot wrap my head around that. He seems to be doing really good. Which was hard to see too- because I was just rocked. Not that I want him to be miserable forever, I don't, I hope someday he can figure himself out, but again, I just don't understand how it can be so easy for him to walk away. Does not compute. Maybe I'm jealous, because it's so terrible for me!

So yeah. Next morning I took a personal day and went to my parents. Lots of crying, walks, talks with my parents. And day by day I'm getting through this.

I do feel really lucky to have such wonderful family and friends that are so supportive. That has been so helpful.

And of course the real reason I'm not drowned in my bathtub, my true sustainer, a God who loves me more than any husband ever could and who I know will bring me through.

"But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. ... Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

When I was home my mom talked to me about the story of Job. For those not familiar, God and Satan had a bet going that Job would not disown God. So Satan was allowed to do horrible things to Job. He lost everything he had, including all his livestock, his home, all his children died, he lost his health. Moral of the story: Job never blamed God. And in the end, God restored everything to him, made him far richer than before and blessed him with new children and more than he had. And my mom told me something I'd never noticed- that Job never found out why God had allowed that to happen. He never found out it had been a bet between God and Satan. Job just chose to trust God. And I thought that was really relevant to my situation. I might never get any more of a concrete reason from Andrew. I might never know why God allowed this to happen to me. My job is to just trust God.

So I'm trying.