Fear

 It took me awhile to fall asleep last night. Which isn't that unusual for me, but last night I just kept thinking about fear. 

I really want to go visit my friend this summer in Missouri, BUT with all the recent plane crashes - I am afraid. There's no nonstop option to go see her, so it would be 4 separate flights there and back. Even though I know it's the safest way to travel, I am afraid. 

The other thing, August has been playing tennis a few years now, and I thought one day- "why does he get to have all the fun while I stay home folding laundry, etc?" I took one semester of tennis back in my college days just to learn something, and it had been pretty fun. So I signed myself up for a class last fall, and it was great! Being out in the fresh air instead of doing dishes after dinner, with other adults, exercising, it was fun. I want to sign up for another session this spring- BUT ... I can't remember when it started, I think after a fall off a skateboard (and no, I am no Tony Hawk, this was me standing on a skateboard while babysitting and instantly falling back on to my extended arm/shoulder) - ever since, I've had a problem with my R shoulder randomly sub-luxating. (Almost coming out of the socket). It does it at such random times, often with a extending/slight rotation combo. I could be reaching into the backseat to give something to a kid, or one time while stretching in bed when I was on my stomach, reaching up to kill a bug, the last time was around Christmas I went to hug someone who was sitting while I was crouching down to hug them. I can usually rotate it back in pretty quickly, but it HURTS. And with the motion to do a tennis serve, I am constantly afraid it is going to do it again. Even last night in bed, just imagining the move to do the serve, I could feel myself wincing. So yeah, that's where I'm at. Fear. 

The last thing keeping me up last night was thinking about my Dad. He will be 80 in March. And instead of being super thankful and so grateful (which I AM too) of his long life and the many years I've been blessed with such a great dad, I just felt that fear. Fear of just him being "old". And while he is healthy and active and mentally sound (and his dad just lived to 103) I just feel so afraid of impending loss or can-strike-at-any-time sickness. And possibly because we are going thru it now with Doug's dad having bladder cancer, at 79, I am just so afraid. 

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley,  I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.      Psalm 23

A friend was talking about Psalm 23 the other day and noting that part about "guiding". He leads us by quiet waters. He guides us along the right paths. The next sentence is walking thru dark valleys, and it is so easy to imagine being in them alone- although it says He is with us in them. He knows those dark valleys are there, in fact, He lead and guided us to and through them. Those verses do bring comfort, I do just need help focusing on the lighthouse in the storm (real or even just imagined in my mind!)