the last hug

My 5 year journal reminded me of something 3 years ago. My last hug with Andrew. Most times now as I'm putting in few lines about the day before bed I only read maybe last year if anything. It has been fun to see recently how last week was one year ago Doug proposed! But last night I read at the top and read about how Andrew had come to our apartment after he moved out to pick up the last box of something he left behind. We walked out to his car and I asked for a hug.

Hugging had been "our thing". Our first real hug was after the trip we took to Costa Rica with my sister, such a fun, fun trip. The 3 of us had such a good time. At the end of the trip I had started to like him, but he had already told me he didn't like me. Anyway, as he hugged me after the trip (and my sister even commented on the swaying of our backpacks in her maid-of-honor speech at our wedding), I felt like maybe there was something there. We continued long hugs all the way until that day he said he wanted a divorce. Then he never touched me again.

Reading that last night I was instantly transported to that day. Standing there in the parking lot. Our divorce court date was just a month away at that point, and I was still hoping and praying he wouldn't go through with it. I knew it would be our last hug. I held on, and so did he. And I remember asking him how he was doing, and he said 'good'. And he asked me, and I said that someday I would be. Eventually I broke off the hug. Wiped away a couple tears and off he went.

Obviously our divorce went through and I have never heard from him or seen him since. But even reading that last night I still wonder how he could just have walked away.

So last night I read that and had a tear or two. Doug came in from the bathroom and there is no hiding a single sniffle from him!

I don't know, maybe you have to be divorced, and then lucky enough to have found love again to understand. There is no way I would trade my marriage and life and future with Doug, but there is still that part that is sad for the brokenness of what was.

I wanted to talk to Doug, but it seemed like it had to be a delicate balance, I didn't want to tell him I was crying about my ex-husband and have him worry that I regret anything or whatever. I'm so thankful Doug is different. He is secure in what we have, and he reminds me of his commitment when I need reminding. He listened to me and by the end of the conversation he had me laughing and he was telling me "you are mine". And once again I am reminded of how blessed I am.