Yesterday was a really low day. I don't know what triggered it, but it was as painful as the first few days were, and I just cried on and off all day long. Sometimes things Andrew said that hurt me me pop into my head. I try not to dwell on them, but other times the loving things he has said pop in and they are just as bad- because they don't exist anymore.
It's been 7 months now of this, the equivalent to half the total (good) time we were married. It's so surreal. I still ask myself, how is this happening? Is this really my life?
I hate this.
My new book club book worded something so beautifully, it was talking about death, but I think the same thing applies to divorce:
"It's like being in a club. A divorce club. You don't choose to join it, it's thrust upon you. And the members whose lives have been changed have more knowledge than those who aren't in it, but the price of belonging is so terribly high."
I feel like this. I don't want to be in this club. But it was thrust upon me and I have to deal with the consequences of another's decision. It's so hard.
A teary phone call with a friend, and prayer helped. But there is no shortcut through this. God will get me through, but just day-by-day, breath-by-breath, moment-by-moment. All I can do, even when I don't 'feel' it - is just trust that God's promises are true.
"I cry to you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.' Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me" Psalm 142:5-6
"In all their suffering he [Jesus] also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years" Isaiah 63:9 NLT