It's been really hard getting used to my ringless finger:
Also, I can't really get a handle on my feelings this week.
I have felt some peace, but I've also felt something I just can't put my finger on. I am just amazed that it's over. I made it. I survived being divorced. There were so many days I never thought I'd make it through the day even, but God brought me through. A leader in my divorce recovery group talked about when her divorce was over she missed how she had so desperately clung to God during that time - and I think that's how I feel. I want that closeness and growth. I don't want to go back to my everyday life, just now without Andrew. I want life with Jesus.
I still need to focus on seeking God. He brought me thru this fire, and even though it's over, I still need to seek Him and trust Him for the future.
A friend sent me this from her devotions:
My counselor said he noted something different in me, but not necessarily different good. He was worried about me repressing anger and growing bitter. So we talked a bit about people I might be 'angry' at. It's really hard to be angry at anyone, because I know this happened because of Andrew's choice- not anything anyone else did or didn't do. So I'm not really angry, but I am disappointed. Of course. I'm disappointed with people who could have said something and didn't, I'm disappointed at people who might have supported the easy way out, and I am disappointed that the divorce went through. I am, I didn't want this.
I remember divorce day my mom saying she thought I had been holding out hope, and I had! As long as I was Andrew's wife I was committed to him and our marriage, and holding out hope. In the end it wasn't so much hope in Andrew, but hope in what God could do.
This week mom and I had a good cry, talk and prayer about that. I do feel disappointed that God allowed this to happen, when I know He can fix anything. And we talked about how much God loves us- that He absolutely will not step over someones free-will. We know God hates divorce, and we know God desires people to chose Him and life His way - but if they don't, He won't force them.
And in the end I have a God who loves me, and still has good plans for me, and knows what He is doing. And that is enough.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6