Monday, March 25, 2013

8 months

Today I'm 8 months divorced. I can't help but tally up the months whenever I notice it's the 25th. But time is moving by. 8 months. The same number of months we were engaged. I had been engaged before, so I really wanted us to do everything we could to understand the decision we were making. We even did pre-engagement counseling, and then 8 full months of pre-marital counseling, marriage weekends, and 2 'check ups' with the pastor who did all that counseling and married us. I really thought we were going in with our eyes open. (As much as you can anyway without being actually married of course). Now I feel silly. My worst fear back then was a second broken engagement, it never crossed my mind I would ever be divorced.
A month or 2 after Andrew announced he wanted a divorce I went to a restaurant to eat with some friends. While I was there I randomly ran into the pastor who married us. Of course he asked me where Andrew was. I told him things weren't so great. He said for me to come into the office to talk to him. We did, and it was good. It didn't change the outcome of anything, obviously, but it was good. I actually felt really bad, it felt like he was taking some of the responsibility. Even after the divorce he's emailed me a couple times to ask if there was anything I think we missed in our counseling, or what he could do better. I don't feel very helpful, even now 8 months later, I don't really know what happened or how it could have been prevented.
How do you measure someones commitment level? I remember him proposing to me, "I promise I'll love you forever", blah blah blah... it turns out forever to him was almost exactly 2 years from that date of the proposal until he said he didn't love me anymore.
I feel bad, like I'm throwing him under the bus again. I guess I just wish that after sometime has gone by that I would have a little more clarity about it. But no.
And I guess I should know that, in my divorce class we talked a lot about how you will probably never get any more closure or what you think you need to hear from that ex-spouse. And the only thing to do is move forward. To forgive. To let go. The page yesterday from my devotional was actually really perfect:
This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the light of My love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.
You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual presence. The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever. As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you.
So very true. God is so very good.
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13


  1. Throw Andrew under the bus all you want! You did everything you could and he didn't do anything. Men are so uncommitted these days, the more you are silent about his responsibility in the matter, the more men feel like that behavior is endorsed.

    /that was the bus

    p.s. Sometimes it helps to know you did all you could. The premarital counseling was a wise decision, same for the pre-engagement counseling. Of course, it can't be a predictor of "success" or guarantee anything. It is a sign of your maturity, whether things ended poorly or not. And if you meet that lucky man some day, it still would be a wise decision to seek counseling. So don't beat yourself up over someone else's sins. :)

    1. Thanks Joel. I agree- he was responsible, I just feel bad for him, I still wonder if he even know why he did it. But he did, bottom line. Anyway, thanks for the thoughts, Stan and I have been working on grace a lot- and trying to accept it!

    2. ps- I probably shouldn't laugh about you mock-running over Andrew, but I did, I did, haha