Thursday, September 20, 2012


We interrupt the previously scheduled "Vacation Recaps" for an Andrew post.
I was at work when I started to get some flashes of lightening bolts in my vision. My eye doctor says this might be signs of a migraine. Who knows. So I went and sat in the dark supply room for awhile. Sitting turned to thinking, thinking turned to praying, which then had crying added.
I was just thinking about how Andrew was my best friend. And now I have no idea where my best friend is. How he's doing. What is on his heart. It kills me. He is not my best friend anymore.
My divorce email today was: Everyone has ideals and expectations of life. When some of your beliefs prove false, you are confused and despairing. In order to protect yourself, you hold on to whatever shreds are left of that ideal, and you begin to feel angry because what you had believed in with all your heart is falling apart around you. You are angry with the person who helped destroy your dreams, and you are angry with yourself for believing those dreams in the first place.
I wouldn't say that I'm angry about it, but I definitely feel the pain of my dreams falling apart. I miss Andrew who built those dreams with me, and I am sad they are gone. That last sentence might be true. I might be angry I believed those dreams. I don't know if I'm that self-aware yet.
The good part is my God is a God who heals. I pray He will continue to heal my heart and to give me new dreams.
One fantastic characteristic of God is that He is truth. When God promises you a dream or an ideal to look forward to, you can believe that it will come to pass. Search God's Word to find His promises to you. Trust Him because He will never let you down.
Here's a couple pics of the Andrew I knew and loved. I've been wanting to get them off the flash drive anyway. Off the flash drive - off the heart? Probably not... but here they are anyway:
Then my mom called me and it was back to the hallway for another cry. But she prayed for me and it was good. Mom was reminding me to imagine laying Andrew, and our marriage, on God's alter. And giving it to Him. I continue to do that, and to pray to God for healing. For both of us. And for God to be Andrew's best friend now.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6


  1. Your mom is so wise, love that she has you laying them at the alter. God is good and I cannot wait to see what he does in life, it is gonna be awesome! Love you friend!!

  2. Gosh, AM, you are so much more self-aware, strong, and wise than I will ever be. Thanks for the depth and insight into your life. Kinda makes my thoughts feel shallow in comparison.

    I wonder if you'll never reach that angry phase, like we talked about, or if it'd be bad if you never did. Think it would be bottled in there if you didn't?

    1. thanks Joel. I'm not sure. I've really been trying to allow myself to feel what I feel, I'm not much of a bottle it up type person, so if it comes, I hope Stan (and God :)) can help me deal with it!