Monday, May 7, 2012

Fessing Up

Well, there is going to be a change in Anne's Everyday Life. The real life, not the blog. Actually there has been a change, I just didn't want to say anything because I didn't want it to be true. I didn't want to put it in writing. I hoped it would get fixed. But it's not.
I am getting divorced.
New Year's Eve Andrew and I were having a bit of an argument when he got really angry. He said he didn't love me and wasn't happy. He shouted that he wanted a divorce. I thought he was just mad, although he was breaking the rule we had made not to say that. But as days passed and he said he felt the same I started to wonder. He went to counseling with me a few times, but the counselor said that individual might be better for us. And so he did that for a few weeks, but then he quit. He filed for divorce on April 13th. Friday the 13th. I wasn't superstitious before, but I will probably think of that every Friday the 13th for the rest of my life. He moved out last week.
I can't describe how horrible it's been. A lot of my friends say they can't imagine how hard it is. And I'm glad they can't relate. There is nothing worse than your husband, your best friend, your partner, your love, telling you he doesn't love you any more and doesn't want to be married to you.
It's hard too not having a "good reason". No one cheated or anything like that. In the divorces I've heard about you can usually see it coming. People fighting for years. Not us. We had a few of the same fights come up, but I thought we were doing good. When we were dating we would usually have a 'check-up' on our monthly anniversary. It was something we continued into our marriage. Every month we would ask each other how we were doing in our marriage, if there were things to work on, things we could do better, etc. But he said it was good, I thought things were fine.
Andrew said he's been 'faking it' for awhile. Just trying to make it work. Tired of it. Looking back I remember he was a bit distant on our end of November trip to Toronto, but otherwise I look back and see someone who loved me and was happy.
We took this picture Christmas night. It's our last picture together. And even the night before the fight Andrew told me he loved me. It's been hard to accept. I was in our marriage too, and I saw him, I believe he was happy, I believe he loved me. I saw him growing in his faith and as my husband.
My mom said she heard on the Christian radio station about a lot of marriages ending at about 18 months. The 'honeymoon' is over and people give up. We had a pretty smooth first year, which everyone usually says is the hardest, but I guess it would be smooth if someone isn't being truthful. We were at about 16 months when this happened. A friend last night said she and her husband didn't do pre-marital, but at at about their year and a half mark they too were having problems and they saw the counselor then. I thought it was really interesting, it's not just us. The difference is they both want to work on it. It takes two.
In the end it comes down to a choice. Andrew now says he doesn't believe love is a choice, he believes it's a feeling. And he can't make himself 'feel it'. Even though we talked about our marriage being based on a choice, a committment, not feelings that can change, that's not how he sees it now.
My choice has been to tell Andrew that I love him, that I'm committed to him and this marriage and to figuring out what's going on. But his choice is to walk away. And as much as it hurts, I have to let him.
So that's what's been going on.
I can only be thankful that I have a relationship with God. I have felt His presence and strength and, at times, comfort. My mom has been sending me verses to remind me of what is true:
"You are my servant; I have chosen you and not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:9b-10
"Cast all your anxiety on him, for he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all you ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
"But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life." Isaiah 43:1-4
"I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with lovingkindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt." Jeremiah 32:3-4a
I don't want this divorce. I want Andrew. I miss him. I love him. I wish he would fight for us with me, and figure out what the real problem is, and not give up.
But again, it's his choice.
I will continue to trust that God has us both in the palm of His hands and will provide and care for us. Together or apart.


  1. This post just makes my heart hurt and made me cry. You are stronger than you know and I love you!!!

    1. thanks Lindsey. And thanks for all the support, friendship and prayers. I really appreciate it. People like you help make it bearable.

  2. Anne,
    I am a stranger and saw your comment on Enjoying the Small Things. Your post touched me deeply, as did you kindness and love for your husband, despite the hurt and loneliness you feel. My prayers are with you for peace, hope and joy -- no matter what happens.

  3. I agree with Nike that your beauty shined through your post. You have an amazing kindness despite your hurt. My prayers are with you and your husband in the coming weeks and months. I hope you continue to bloom.

  4. I just started following and it breaks my heart to see this as your first post, but let me say that I am so, so incredibly sorry for this pain you're experiencing right now. I cannot even imagine how much this must hurt. I am praying for you. Our God is big and He has a plan. I'm so sorry sister.

  5. I also saw your comment on Enjoying the Small Things, while I debated posting my story about my divorce. Similar to you, I did not ask for a divorce, I did not want a divorce, I did everything in my power to save my marriage, I don't believe in divorce. When my attorney filed the divorce response paperwork I wouldn't let the papers say I agreed that divorce was the answer, because I didn't.
    My heart aches for you. Please know that I am so sorry for what you're going through. You are strong. And, as hard as it is to believe, you will get through this and come out ahead. Lots of hugs to you.

  6. I'm here from your comment on Kelle Hampton's blog, too, and I just couldn't resist giving you a word of encouragement! You WILL see beauty again! Anyone who could handle this situation with such such dignity, grace, and love is leaving herself wide open to blooming. You really are full of grace, just like your name says. And I don't believe it's going unnoticed by the Father...He's pretty into that sort of thing, you know.

    Even though your heart is broken, not one piece has fallen to the ground. He really does hold you in the palm of His hand and He will mend, He will restore. And I believe your graciousness will speed up that process. Great big blessings to you, Anne, take heart and be encouraged. You ARE blooming!

  7. thank you for the sweet encouraging posts everyone. I'm touched. And I'm thankful to know that despite the storm, God is still in control.

  8. Friend. I came on to try and figure out a way to get your information where we can give it to each other privately and then i read this post. i want to pray with you and run with you so lets figure this out. you are so strong and beautiful. i cant imagine, but God has made you so brave.

  9. God is sending you down another path. Unknown to you now, but in time will reveal itself for the greater good. Your faith will keep you strong through the trials ahead.

    Footsteps In The Sand
    One night a man had a dream.
    He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
    Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
    For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
    one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.
    When the last scene of his life flashed before him
    he looked back, at the footprints in the sand.
    He noticed that many times along the path of his life
    there was only one set of footprints.
    He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.
    This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:
    "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you,
    you'd walk with me all the way.
    But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
    there is only one set of footprints.
    I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
    The LORD replied:
    "My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you,
    During your times of trial and suffering,
    when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
    Author unknown

    You can bet he will carry you if need be.