Fessing Up

Well, there is going to be a change in Anne's Everyday Life. The real life, not the blog. Actually there has been a change, I just didn't want to say anything because I didn't want it to be true. I didn't want to put it in writing. I hoped it would get fixed. But it's not.

I am getting divorced.

New Year's Eve Andrew and I were having a bit of an argument when he got really angry. He said he didn't love me and wasn't happy. He shouted that he wanted a divorce. I thought he was just mad, although he was breaking the rule we had made not to say that. But as days passed and he said he felt the same I started to wonder. He went to counseling with me a few times, but the counselor said that individual might be better for us. And so he did that for a few weeks, but then he quit. He filed for divorce on April 13th. Friday the 13th. I wasn't superstitious before, but I will probably think of that every Friday the 13th for the rest of my life. He moved out last week.

I can't describe how horrible it's been. A lot of my friends say they can't imagine how hard it is. And I'm glad they can't relate. There is nothing worse than your husband, your best friend, your partner, your love, telling you he doesn't love you any more and doesn't want to be married to you.

It's hard too not having a "good reason". No one cheated or anything like that. In the divorces I've heard about you can usually see it coming. People fighting for years. Not us. We had a few of the same fights come up, but I thought we were doing good. When we were dating we would usually have a 'check-up' on our monthly anniversary. It was something we continued into our marriage. Every month we would ask each other how we were doing in our marriage, if there were things to work on, things we could do better, etc. But he said it was good, I thought things were fine.

Andrew said he's been 'faking it' for awhile. Just trying to make it work. Tired of it. Looking back I remember he was a bit distant on our end of November trip to Toronto, but otherwise I look back and see someone who loved me and was happy.

We took this picture Christmas night. It's our last picture together. And even the night before the fight Andrew told me he loved me. It's been hard to accept. I was in our marriage too, and I saw him, I believe he was happy, I believe he loved me. I saw him growing in his faith and as my husband.

My mom said she heard on the Christian radio station about a lot of marriages ending at about 18 months. The 'honeymoon' is over and people give up. We had a pretty smooth first year, which everyone usually says is the hardest, but I guess it would be smooth if someone isn't being truthful. We were at about 16 months when this happened. A friend last night said she and her husband didn't do pre-marital, but at at about their year and a half mark they too were having problems and they saw the counselor then. I thought it was really interesting, it's not just us. The difference is they both want to work on it. It takes two.

In the end it comes down to a choice. Andrew now says he doesn't believe love is a choice, he believes it's a feeling. And he can't make himself 'feel it'. Even though we talked about our marriage being based on a choice, a committment, not feelings that can change, that's not how he sees it now.

My choice has been to tell Andrew that I love him, that I'm committed to him and this marriage and to figuring out what's going on. But his choice is to walk away. And as much as it hurts, I have to let him.

So that's what's been going on.

I can only be thankful that I have a relationship with God. I have felt His presence and strength and, at times, comfort. My mom has been sending me verses to remind me of what is true:

"You are my servant; I have chosen you and not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:9b-10

"Cast all your anxiety on him, for he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all you ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life." Isaiah 43:1-4

"I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with lovingkindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt." Jeremiah 32:3-4a

I don't want this divorce. I want Andrew. I miss him. I love him. I wish he would fight for us with me, and figure out what the real problem is, and not give up.

But again, it's his choice.

I will continue to trust that God has us both in the palm of His hands and will provide and care for us. Together or apart.